


Princess BRDE

by LOGO_Comics, SilentMagi



Category: RWBY, The Princess Bride - William Goldman
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:27:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29244306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LOGO_Comics/pseuds/LOGO_Comics, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentMagi/pseuds/SilentMagi
Summary: The RWBY cast plays out the classic tale of S. Morgenstern’s Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure, The Princess Bride.
Comments: 19
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

“Hey Qrow,” Tai offered as he adjusted the pillow under the broken leg of his best friend.

“Tai…” the scruffy man grumbled, looking rather irritable, though trying to not take it out on his nieces’ father. It wasn’t his fault that he lost the bet.

Really it wasn’t.

He should have known when they were going to draw straws for roles in this farce, that he was going to get the worst role. Even worse, he had given up drinking, so he had to sit in the bed and go through this, again… and again...

“Feeling better?” Tai asked, slipping a glass of water a little closer to him. His face showed that he was grateful that their scene was short, but also that he would much rather NOT be here.

“A little bit,” he grumbled as he picked up the water and took a drink. He was really dreading the next few minutes. How did they get roped into this again?

“Got some news for you,” Tai offered as though trying to make it sound like it was good, not that they’d been through this so many times before.

“What’s that?”

“Your Sister’s here.”

“Tai…” he groaned piteously, his hangover doubling at the mere mention of the woman. “Can’t you tell her I’m in a coma?”

“She can hear you,” Tai answered with a chuckle as a female voice shouted angrily through the closed doorway. It would seem that she could. “She’s here to take care of you while I go to the store… you know, while you’re sick?”

“Greeeeaaat… You do realize I am an adult, right?”

“It’s in the script, just play along,” Tai commented as he stroked the man’s head, before leaning down. “I’m holding onto her swords until she talks to Yang after this, so please, play nice.”

“Still not getting the whole team on this one Tai,” Qrow groused as he slumped back in the bed, letting out a sigh. “Right… show her in.”

“I’ll tell you the truth later.” Tai smiled at his friend as he walked over to the door, and opened it to reveal a tied up Raven, thrashing about in a wheelchair outside the door. Pulling the questionably legal chair next to the bed holding Qrow, Tai pat her on the head gently, dodging her attempts to remove his fingers by biting through the tape over her mouth. “If you behave, we’ll untie you later.”

“Mmph Mouuu!” she snarled through the tape, promises of death in her eyes. What else she said was lost to muffling and probably not worthy of decensoring.

“Okay… I don’t think she’ll be able to read to you like this…” Tai commented, before glancing off to the side and paling slightly under his tanned skin. “No Peter, no need for the lesson on the anatomy of Grimm. We’ll manage.”

Kneeling next to the chair, he grabbed the lock on one arm, and held up a key. “Raven, if you don’t go along with this for Ruby and Yang’s sake, I will leave you locked down and tell Port you want to listen to ALL of his stories. Do we have an understanding?”

The nod he got from the suddenly mollified Raven, made him smile as he undid the lock, setting a book into the freed hand before yanking off the tape. In the backstage Winter covered Penny’s ears, Ruby found herself deafened by Yang, and Blake just glanced at the offended Weiss with a shrug.

She’d probably heard that word before, in fact she was fairly certain she’d seen all three of her teammates use that word at least once before. There was no innocence, only Huntresses.

“Now, I’ll leave you two siblings alone… Raven, you will read the book to Qrow. It has fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, family, monsters, chases, escapes, True Love, miracles… and much, much more!” Tai promoted the book with a tight smile, “And you Qrow will sit there and listen. Otherwise… I will be very put out.”

“You know, a story sounds great, don’t you think Rae?”

“Whatever…”

“Great! I’ll leave you two alone to enjoy the story, see you later!” Tai offered with a bright smile as he turned and left the room. Raven glanced at the book in her hands, and then at the door he left through, before giving her bonds a test pull. A second later, she slumped back in defeat. “Let’s get this over with… The Gemstone Bride, by Silver Morgenstern, Chapter One. Ruby Rose was raised on the small island of Patch, west of Vale. Her favorite pastimes were honing her prized scythe-rifle, Crescent Rose, and tormenting the farm girl that worked there. Her name was Penny, but she never called her that.”

After a beat, during which Raven scanned for more to read, she showed Qrow the mostly blank page. “We done, yet?”

“Yeah… I think so,” Qrow agreed as the stage went dark. “So… ready for the next scene?”

“Fuck you.”


	2. Chapter 2

Lights rose on a farm, it was little more than a few cows, a small garden, and sheep, but it was a farm. A grouchy, voice snapped. “What do you mean I have more to read? Get that fucking microphone out of my face.”

“Just do it Rae, I see Port getting his vacation slides,” Qrow’s gravelly voice cut in, with just a hint of urgency.

There was a moment of silence, before Raven’s voice came back on with a kinder, softer tone. “Nothing gave Ruby Rose as much pleasure as ordering Penny around.” 

“Farm girl, would you please polish my scythe’s case? I want to see my face shining in it by morning,” Ruby chirped merrily as she held out a jar of leather polish and a rag, beaming happily at the red-head. The girl turned to look at Ruby with dull green eyes, that brightened slightly upon seeing the huntress.

“As you wish,” she answered, her lips twitching upwards ever so slightly.

“Apparently, ‘As you wish’ was all she ever said to her,” Raven grumbled, before muttering darkly, “Wish people would take a cue from her around me…”

Ruby leaned over a weapon’s bench, Crescent Rose spread out before her as she pointed to a high shelf. Pointing to a shelf, she muttered an order distractedly “Farm girl, fetch me that spanner… please…”

“As you wish,” the dull response sounded before a whine of rocket engines powering up caused Ruby’s eyes to widen, and she disappeared in a swirl of rose petals as the entire area went up like a powder keg. When she reformed, Penny held out the tool with an innocent smile on her face.

Ruby tried to be mad, honestly, she did, but the cute little button nose just had this tiny bit of soot that she had to wipe clean. The voice over seemed to shock her out of her reprieve as a heavy cough came out over the speakers. “That day she was amazed to discover that when she was saying ‘As you wish’, what Penny meant was ‘I love you.’ Are you sure that’s what she meant? It was more ‘You give me life.’ or ‘Wake me up inside.’ from here. I mean she meant SO much more than ‘I love you.’ What do you mean the microphone’s still on Qrow? OH FU-”

Ruby smiled nervously as a blush burned on both pairs of cheeks in the remains of the room, looking around the mess for a moment before sighing heavily. “Farm girl… please fetch me a broom.”

“As you wish!” Penny chirped as she skipped away towards the main house, leaving Ruby to look around the wreckage of what had been a shed.

“I’m going to get yelled at by the stage manager for this, aren’t I?” the silver-eyed girl asked herself, shrinking in on herself as she saw the dust cloud of what remained of the farm animals retreating forms. “At least Crescent Rose wasn’t hurt…”

As Penny returned, she held her hand out for the broom, their fingers brushing softly over each other. Their eyes met, as blushes colored their cheeks brightly. “H-help me clean this up Farm Girl,” Ruby squeaked out a command as she the red head leaned in, shimmering green eyes lost in gleaming silver.

“As… you… wish…”

The pair leaned in closer, as darkness faded on them.

Elsewhere, the lights went up, revealing Qrow attempting to pick the lock on his ankle, while Raven looked up from where she was trying to chew through her wrist cuff. “Shit! Qrow, uh… where’s the action?” she tried to get back into character, while knowing that Tai was going to be very put out by this.

“Wha-? Oh right, yeah… I guess it comes later. You know… world building and stuff,” Qrow offered, trying to recover his ankle. They were never going to hear the end of this. “Wait… that’s my line.”

“Is it?” Raven asked as she picked up the book again, and read the section they were on. “Oh… so it is. And you said mine. Blah blah ‘keep your shirt on,’ please. Don’t need to relive that night.”

“The play... Please?” a soft voice came from the wings, followed by a pointed cough from the other side.

The siblings glanced at each other before clearing their throats and not looking near each other. “Mind skipping Mini-Summer’s pathetic kissing?”

The pointed cough came again, this time from a gruff-looking blonde father figure looming directly behind them. They didn’t even look, turning pale as sheets.

“Where were we?” they asked in unison as Raven tried to find the right part of the book again. “No money for marriage, packed her few belongings, left to seek her fortune… Why didn’t Mini-Summer go with her?”

“Plot contrivance.”

The sound of two thwacks of rolled up paper smacking skulls echoed slightly. Getting the pair with new bumps on their heads to move along. “Right… here we go.”

“Penny never reached her destination. Her ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Ironwood, who never left captives alive. When Ruby Rose got the news that Penny was murdered…”

“Reminds you a bit of Dad, doesn’t it?” Qrow grumbled as he rubbed the sore spot on his head.

“Better than lead foot,” Raven agreed before straightening up again. “She went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate.”

As the darkness faded over the pair, someone with a prim and proper voice muttered ‘Nothing new there’ before quiet snickering followed. Then Ruby’s tired voice cut through the darkness, sounding like her entire spirit had been pulled out and shredded. “I will never love again.”

A small light over by where Qrow and Raven were totally ‘not’ imprisoned illuminated the book from a flashlight as Raven read off some more. “Five years later, the main campus of Beacon School was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Princess Cinderdinck’s bride-to-be.”

Over the snickering of the actors backstage, Cinder stood on a balcony in a regal red gown with her black hair held a little flatter with a crown. Her teeth could probably have pressed coal to diamonds with how forced her smile was, before she spoke up in an overly excited tone, “My people! A month from now, our country will have its 500th… wait… 500? Seriously?” she cut off as she looked offstage.

“Just say your line,” a tired voice commanded with a heavy sigh. “We’ll let you keep the crown if you just play the role of a powerful princess in charge.”

Cinder turned back to her ‘adoring’ public, gesturing wide with a bright smile on her face. “A month from now, our country will have its 500th anniversary! On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?”

The voices from below the balcony were faint and indistinct, but indicated interest. If forced.

“My people, the Princess Ruby Rose!”

With a wave of her hand, she stepped aside to reveal Ruby, her eyes a solemn, dull grey unlike the silver that shone when Penny was alive, in a resplendent gown of her own, and a silver tiara set with emeralds on her head.

“Can’t believe they got her to play along,” Raven murmured, before a muffled voice brought her attention to something. “Again? Warn me when you’re turning that thing on… where were we?”

“Five years la-”

“Next section,” Qrow grumbled as she tried to reread what they were just doing.

“Right… umm… Ruby Rose’s emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Cinderdinck the right to choose her spouse, she did not love her. Despite Cinderdinck’s reassurances that she would grow to love her, the only joy she found was in her daily training.”

In an open field, surrounded by forests with a single path leading through it. A man in a white coat, with red hair half-heartedly shoved into a bald cap, and a cigar sticking out of his face walked up to where Ruby was taking a break with a white haired woman, and a large blonde with a wild mane of hair. “A word, fair Red. We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?” he asked in a smarmy voice while his eye twinkled, and he tapped the cigar’s ashes off to the side.

“There is nothing nearby. Save Beacon Castle, miles that way,” she stated as she pointed to the city in the distance set upon the top of a cliff. The three strangers glanced at it, then at Ruby, then back up at the city. “There is a cable car that gives rides every hour.”

“Wonderful,” the lead ‘performer’ crowed before lunging forward and covering her mouth with a cloth. “Then there will be no one to hear you scream.”

The initial fight Ruby gave slowed and stilled, leaving her slumped over the man’s shoulder. Dumping her off to the blonde, who cradled her carefully after checking her breathing, he then pulled out a black patch of cloth and ripped it, shoving half of the section under a rock. 

“What are you doing?” the blonde snapped as she adjusted her sword belt, glancing at the fabric. “What is that rag you’re ripping?”

“It’s fabric from a member of the White Fang,” the man explained with a snort of dismissal as he moved to head away from the giant cliff. The two light haired women falling in step behind him.

“What’s the White Fang?” the blonde asked while carrying the princess bridal style.

“A terrorist organization from overseas, sworn enemy of humans,” the man answered before trying to pick up the scythe, and nearly slipping a disk. Pausing again, he looked at the little waif of a girl with a clear question of HOW? on his face before he lifted the blade and shoved another piece of cloth onto it. “Let’s go.

“When she doesn’t come back, they will come looking. The bloody fabric will make the princess suspect the White Fang have abducted her love. When she finds her body dead in their lands, her suspicions will be totally confirmed.”

“You… never said anything about killing anyone…” the blonde stated darkly as she loomed over the twig of a man, her eyes growing red.

“A good point! What is one life when we are starting a war? Let’s see...” he murmured as he walked along towards where a Bullhead was waiting to load the black haired girl into. “We could… with some sailcloth…”

“I think we should just fake the death,” the blonde stated pointedly as she mounted up next to the prisoner, while cracking her knuckles and glaring at the man.

The man smirked as his eyes gleamed as an idea came to him. “A great thought! I’m glad I thought of it! We’ll fake her death, there are some deep crevices we can just dump a dummy into and make it look like our little friend here.”

“Can you even manage that?” the white haired woman snapped as she powered up the Bullhead.

“OH! THE SPOILED BRAT HAS SPOKEN! What can and can’t do is not tru-!” he cut off as a large glowing sword embedded itself where his head had been. Clearing his throat, he tried a new track. “Listen, we’ll do it. Remember, it was my brains that saved you from where you were. Remember how I found you? Locked in your room. Your father pulling your strings. Friendless, Brainless, Helpless, HOPELESS! DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOU BACK TO DADDY DEAREST?!”

Weiss raised an eyebrow as the man sized blade freed itself from the metal frame of the Bullhead, winding back. “That Torchwick, he can jest.”

“Jest, Jest…” the blonde muttered to herself as she pulled out a scrap of paper. “Our patience, he does often test.”

“This one he will not ace,” Weiss stated as she began piloting the aircraft away from the scene of their crime, hanging close to the trees so they weren’t easily spotted.

“He should be used to last place.”

The fencer smirked as she saw the annoyance growing on the ‘consummate’ actor’s face. “Yang, you really have a gift with rhyme.”

The blonde seemed to blush and turn away, pulling out the slip of paper again. “Yes, I suppose some of the time.”

“ENOUGH!”

“Yang, how is our guest?”

“Finally getting some rest.”

“No more rhymes now, I mean it!”

“Hey cool! I found a peanut!”

The sound of one man screaming in impotent rage could be heard over the roar of the engines as they craft zoomed out of sight. After a few minutes, there was a cough. Some muttering, and a projection screen was wheeled out into a beam of light asking the audience for a moment, and to try visiting the lobby snack bar.

As the lights came up, the two narrators were being glared at by a very put-out blonde. “What do you mean that you forgot to put the camera on the Bullhead?”

“I mean, I was chained to the bed when you told me to do it!” Qrow protested back as he stuck his leggy out real far up high, showing off the jewelry found there.

“Fine… we’ll take a few minutes for technical difficulties. Raven, I’ll let you out, if you two fly the camera on to the ship. I will even not tie you up if you come right back. You are still not getting your sword back until after you talk to Yang.”

The siblings looked at each other, before holding their hands out in unison.


	3. Chapter 3

“Stupid birds making our Bullhead crash like that,” the red haired man in a singed white suit slumped down in his seat glaring into the camera set hastily on the side of the armored car they ‘borrowed’ for the scene. Sighing, he looked over at the white haired girl constantly glancing along the horizon. “We’ll make the cliffs by dawn at this rate… what are you doing?

“Does that girl on the motorbike look like she’s following us?” Weiss asked curiously.

“With all that’s gone wrong on this production, that would be inconceivable.”

“Are you sure she’s not tailing us?” Weiss mused, “I wonder if she’s riding the same sections of road as us.”

The red head leaned back as he put his face in his hand. “Listen your heiressness, unless the bike has the armored treads of a vehicle like ours, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable. No one in Vale knows what we’ve done, and no one in Vacuo couldn’t gotten here so fast.”

He caught the twinkle in the eye of Ruby, and felt a sense of dread growing inside of him. “Out of morbid curiosity… why do you ask?”

“Because she’s gaining on us,” Weiss noted with a shrug.

“Probably some local huntsman out for a pleasure hunt at night… through Blind Worm infested territory…” he answered dismissively before pulling down his hat and grumbling. “Which we wouldn’t be in if it wasn’t for birds destroying our ride.”

It was at that moment, as the armored car had to slow a bit, that Ruby, still bound, tossed herself out the vehicle.As she rolled out alongside the roads, Torchwick looked between the two of them. “Wha-wh- GO GET HER!” he demanded with a scream of frustration.

“What’s the magic word?” Weiss demanded, even as the vehicle came to a stop as Yang exited to collect Ruby.

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE ARE?!” he asked in terror as the ground itself began rumbling and the vehicle itself began shaking. “HEAR THAT? THAT IS THE SOUND OF THE BLIND WORMS! IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME, JUST WAIT! THEY ALWAYS GROW LOUDER WHEN THEY’RE ABOUT TO FEAST UPON HUMAN FLESH! IF WE GET GOING NOW, WE JUST LOSE THOSE TWO IDIOTS! I DOUBT THE WORMS WOULD CARE!”

Weiss responded by pointing the tip of her blade at him. “We are not leaving them behind.”

“They don’t get eaten by the Blind Worms,” Tai interrupts the narrative, cutting the feed on the ‘negotiation’ of the retreat. Just in time for a winded pair of twins to collapse onto the bed.

The male lifted his head, focusing it on Tai while panting for breath. “Wha? Blind Worms?”

“They weren’t in the sea, after all,” Tai explained casually while looking into his Scroll which people could see a worm slaughter through the other end.

Qrow clapped slowly, before slumping forward, “Knew Pipsqueak had it handled, wasn’t worried a bit.”

Raven looked up, showing off her shiner as she joined Tai in giving him a skeptical glare. Qrow sighed and waved it off. “Okay, so maybe a bit concerned. Totally not the same.”

“‘DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE ARE?!’ he asked in terror as the ground itself began rumbling and the vehicle itself began shaking. ‘HEAR THAT? THAT IS THE SOUND OF THE BLIND WORMS...!’”

“We’re past that Tai, you rewound too far,” Qrow cut in over the projection.

“Sorry,” Tai said, “Roman discusses the situation, Weiss raises her sword and...”

Roman growled as the blonde sealed the door, letting the remaining worms to bounce off the armored hull. “Tie her to a support beam or something, just keep her from getting away!” he ordered as the car began pulling away from the worms.

“I think she’s getting closer,” Weiss pointed out looking out the back of what would have been a gunner’s port, watching the laser light show decimating the remainder of the worms.

“She’s the worms problem now!” Roman shouted as he floored it.

“No kidding,” Weiss noted, seeing the rider brandish a sword that slashed through the worms without her pausing at all.

“You know you’re dead when I get out of these things or when Princess Cinder finds you,” Ruby noted as she pulled against the ‘restraints’ Yang was placing on her.

“Don’t care, Red! See?! The Cliffs of Insanity! Let’s hurry up! Only this car is strong enough to go up our way, she’ll have to drive hours until she can find somewhere else!” he shouted in a gleefully manic voice as they pulled up to the base of the cliffs, fired a grapnel from the front, and began scaling the wall like it was a road.

“She’s still following us,” Weiss noted, seeing the motorcycle fire a grapnel right next to theirs. “And she’s gaining on us!”

“INCONCEIVABLE!” Roman shouted as he ground the pedal into the floorboards. “Come on go faster you hunk of junk!”

“I mean, she’s got a lighter vehicle,” Yang noted, “This is a fully armored car that has four occupants.”

“Can’t you cut her cord or something Heiress?”

“Not from here,” Weiss noted unhelpfully, “We’d need to be at the top so I can get out.”

Roman growled as he flipped a cap and slammed the button inside. Fire dust was released into the engine, and they rocketed to the top, landing with several loud metallic groans as the vehicle seemed to break apart from the inside out. “DO IT!”

Weiss shrugged and slashed the cord of the motorcycle’s grapnel. As it slid down, they all went to glance over the edge, only to see the rider clinging to the cliff wall with a pair of swords.

“Don’t say it…”

Weiss gave him a small smirk as she just indicated over the edge. “She’s still coming.”

“SHE DIDN’T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE!”

“You keep saying that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means,” Weiss taunted.

“I have gone beyond the point of not caring anymore, she’s obviously seen us with Red here, and must therefore die. Blondie! Carry her, we’ll head straight for the Vacuo border. Heiress, catch up when she’s little pieces of meat I can feed to tiny grimm! If she falls, fine. If not, the sword.”

“I’m going to do her left-handed,” Weiss noted.

“And I thought my hair was the kinkiest thing here,” Yang commented casually slinging her giggling sister across her shoulders. “And not even on the first date, but the first fight.”

“I’m going to fight without my glyphs,” Weiss stated primly.

Roman pinched his nose in frustration. “You know what a hurry we’re in…”

“I won’t be satisfied otherwise...”

“That’s what she said,” Yang commented as they moved away from the heiress.

“If I kill her with my glyphs, it’ll be too quick,” Weiss pressed onward.

“Your mom said that about your father many times!”

“I”m waiting!” Torchwick snapped tiredly.

Yang paused at the edge of where the rocks began to give away to grass, looking back to Weiss with a knowing smirk. “You be careful, you can never trust these girls on motorcycles without a medical screening.”

A loud facepalming sound overrode whatever response Weiss gave that had Yang trot away with a laugh.

Weiss rolled her shoulders and tested the weight of her blade before she looked over the ledge and saw that the girl had gotten closer. “Hello, there!” she called out, “Slow going?”

The redhead in a mask, and black dress glanced up and gave a little shrug before continuing her slow ascent, blade over blade the entire way up.

“I don’t suppose you can go any faster?” Weiss offered conversationally.

“If you are in such a hurry, you could let me use my jets, and not tell on me. Or lower a line to help,” the girl offered with a smile, not slowing down.

“I could do either of those,” Weiss noted amiably, “But I’m not sure you’d trust me. You see, I’m waiting here to kill you.”

“Oh, well… yes that would put a damper on our relationship I suppose,” she commented as she tilted her head. “Yes, I believe that very much would be the case.”

“But,” Weiss said, “I can give you my word as an Atlesian that I will not kill you before you reach the top.”

“I do apologize, but I have known too many Atlesians,” she explained with a nervous smile.

“Ah, I can understand that sentiment,” Weiss commiserated politely, “I swear to you on the soul of my Grandfather, Nicholas Schee that you will reach the top alive.”

“Wait… I know that name…” the masked redhead commented as she looked towards the rocks. A second later, she looked up at Weiss again with a huge grin. A second later, there was a burst of light below her and Weiss suddenly was lifted up and sent soaring into the sky held by a gushing robot. “You must be Weiss! Oh Winter told me all about you, and how cute you were, and how proud she is of you, and how beautiful your singing is, and… I have run out of propulsion…”

Weiss pierced a nearby outcropping of rocks with Myrtenaster to slow their descent, still not sure how to react to the masked stranger knowing her sister.

The masked redhead pulled away as soon as they landed and rubbed the back of her head. “I apologize about that, Winter was a friend I made after her ship was captured by mine! I am so excited to meet you Weiss, or are you Whetley? I did not mean to assume, however with the skirt and ponytail, though I am not one to judge if a male wishes to change the manner of dress from the societal norm.”

“I am Weiss Schnee,” she said, “I have to ask, though; Do you happen to have an illusory Semblance?”

“I… do not believe so, my laser beams are very much real,” the girl in black answered, adjusting her midnight bow. “Do you always begin conversations that way?”

“My favorite doll, Tiny Weiss. She had been given to me by my grandfather before his passing and I took her everywhere… One night, the girl with the illusory Semblance broke into my home and stole Tiny Weiss from me. I tried to stop her, but she was better with a blade than I,” Weiss clenched her free hand in a fist before running a finger along her scar, “And she gave me this...”

“And you’ve done nothing but hone your combat capabilities?” the lovely young lass in obsidian wear inquired probingly.

“Hone my abilities, and pursue her.”

The girl in black seemed to consider this for a moment before asking, “And what will you do when you find her?”

“I will go up to the illusionist and say, ‘Hello. My name is Weiss Schnee. You...’” she muttered a part under her breath before she continued, “Prepare to die.”

The redhead squinted at the strange swordswoman for a moment, letting herself pretend she didn’t hear the muttered part before speaking again. “I have met many people on my journeys, perhaps I could assist you in locating her, can you describe her? What other nefarious acts did she commit?”

“She stole some jewelry, too and...” Weiss waved her hand irritably, “I remember her eyes most of all. Whether that was her true face or not, I will never forget those cruel red eyes or that green hair. Or the rough callouses of her hands, as she pulled me close, or the tenderness of her lips as she ki- I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HER!”

Penny seemed to want to probe for more information before clearing her throat and looking away. “W-well, I hope you find her someday?”

“You’re ready?”

“I suppose whether I am or not, you have given me more than enough time to recover. You were not injured when I grappled you, were you? I forgot to ask, my apologies,” she offered, her green eyes a little worried.

“I am unharmed. No need to worry. You seem the decent sort,” Weiss noted, taking up a textbook perfect stance with her blade, save for the left-handedness of the stance, “I’d hate to kill you.”

“Oh, you seem like a decent fellow, I would hate to die,” she offered as she drew her own sword in response to Weiss’s, holding it in her left hand.

As the battle, and witty banter filled the air, a curled ponytail swayed in the wind of the showing, next to a raven haired girl with cat ears on a tree branch. “She’s a Schnee…” she stated with what one might mistake as venom in her voice.

“Well yes, but she has done more to aid Faunus-kind since I met her, than Adam ever did.”

“Maybe we should get a closer look,” she said, watching the blades dance gracefully against one another, whirling through the air and missing by mere inches, the battle pitched, yet casual at the same time.

Blake smiled as she leaned in closer, lowering her voice. “I can get you an in with her…”

Back on the clifftop, the redhead finished a riposte that left her with the upper hand.

“You are wonderful,” Weiss said, her stance perfect as she seemed to be losing ground, yet had an obvious smirk on her face.

The girl in black beamed happily at the praise, “Thank you I was pro- worked very hard to become so!” she corrected with a small hiccup. “Why are you smiling like that friend?”

“Because I know something you don’t know,” Weiss said.

“Oh! Secrets, I love secrets, what is it?” she asked, pressing the attack in her excitement.

“I am not left-handed,” she smiled, switching hands artfully, taking the advantage from the girl in black for a moment, driving her back slightly.

“Amazing! Simply amazing!” the girl gushed behind her black mask happily. “Though I should probably tell you something as well.”

“Oh?” Weiss replied with interest, “What is that?”

“I am not left hand dominant either,” she answered switching hands midswing, and pressing the attack once more. “Sorry for the deception, I had meant to fight you on even terms.”

Slowly she wore down Weiss with her near inexhaustible stamina, simply outlasting her opponent with speed and accuracy.

“You have… a lot of energy,” Weiss noted, an enthusiastic grin on her face at fighting an opponent she could not easily best, “I’ll admit that you have greater stamina than I...”

“It’s how I was made,” the girl in black confessed as she continued driving Weiss back. “Please yield friend.”

“I cannot,” Weiss admitted sadly, suddenly somber as she kept up her guard, “I also have a confession to make...”

“Another one? What is it?” the green eyed girl asked in confusion.

“I inherited my family’s Semblance,” she replied, using gravity Dust and a glyph to knock her opponent back, “I’m sorry that it had to come to this. I wanted to battle on even terms, but I have been told you kill you.”

“Oh? You’re done holding back? Can I let loose as well?” she asked as a series of swords emerged from her back, and began spinning around her almost lazily, as her green eyes began to glow from being in the shadows.

The battle was joined enthusiastically by the pair, both excited to face off against such an opponent. Sadly, however, Weiss’s stamina had been expended by the swordplay and she was soon brought to her knees.

“Kill me quickly,” she said, Myrtenaster clattering to the ground in front of her, Dust chambers expended.

The girl in black paused from looking at the collateral damage they had created, and worrying about her papa finding out to look at Weiss in utter horror. “I could never! I would sooner collapse the entirety of the Atlas Military Complex than kill someone such as yourself. However, since I cannot have you following me either, I am sorry.”

A soft fft of air, and Weiss felt a tiny pinprick in her neck, just before gentle metallic hands lowered her to the ground. “Please understand friend, I enjoyed our time together. The safety crew should arrive soon.”

Just as she ran off screen, a squad of shadow cloaked students arrived with medical personnel that rushed towards Weiss.

Tai sighed heavily as the camera cut, looking towards someone offstage, the bags under his eyes growing by the second. “Do I dare ask how much that is going to cost us?”

“It might have blown the allotment of the budget meant for the Machine,” Ozpin offered amusedly.

“The machine I put together with my own hands and is currently in your office as we speak?” Tai countered crossly as he looked at the older man.

“Transportation,” he said, “I told you not to put it together in my office,” Ozpin said, “We might be able to keep the scene if we cut something else.”

“That’s where we’re shooting the scene! Everything has been paid for!”

Back with the actors, Yang stopped at a rocky outcropping to glance back and adjust Ruby. Pointing back the way they came towards a black clad woman approaching at a steady gait.

“INCONCEIVABLE!” Torchwick snapped, “Give Red to me. Catch up with us quickly.”

“And what would you have me do?” she asked as she lowered her ‘prisoner’ carefully.

“FINISH HER! FINISH HER YOUR WAY!”

“I don’t do sloppy seconds,” she stated with a straight face. About the only thing straight about her, but we’re not going there.

“Alright,” Torchwick ground out, snapping off the cigar in his mouth, “Listen carefully. You are going to wait here, where you can’t be seen. When you see the girl in black’s head come into view HIT IT WITH A ROCK!”

“A rock? Are you sure I shouldn’t use my guns?” she asked flexing a bit, getting an eyeroll from Ruby.

“We have a script to follow!” he snapped, “The sooner we get my death scene done, the better!”

“Fine, be that way. Go, I’ll deal with the black clad menace,” she stated with a dismissive wave. “And not a hair harmed on her, or you’ll see me mad.”

“We both know she’s not even really tied up,” Torchwick noted flatly as they left.

A few minutes later, the girl in black rounded a boulder, her hand snapped up to catch a rock the size of her head with ease as it passed in front of her face.

“I could have aimed for the head,” Yang noted idly, bouncing another rock with ease.

“Yes friend, I believe you,” the girl stated as she tossed hers to the side. “I believe we are supposed to do something… Will you let me pass?”

“‘Fraid not,” Yang answered with a sigh, “Tell you what, I put down my rock, you put away your swords, and we’ll settle this sportingly. No weapons, no tricks. Just skill against skill.”

“You mean, we try and beat each other like civilized people?” she asked for clarification.

“I could kill you now,” she noted, hefting the rock, “Though it would be a little trickier than I’d have guessed.”

The girl lowered her blades, looking between them. “I do not believe that this is going to be an equal fight between us friend.”

“It’s not my fault I’m so big,” Yang noted, “I’m just naturally like this.”

“Well yes, genetics would play into the factor regarding your ‘gifted’ nature for polite conversation, however there is diet and exercise to take into account as there is little fat to the rest of your body,” the girl began to explain.

“True enough,” Yang said, “But I get the feeling that you’re stronger than you look. Come on. It’ll be fun.”

“Oh yes, I am rather strong. Forgive me,” she offered before surging forward and slamming her fist into Yang’s stomach as hard as a runaway truck.

“Okay!” Yang said, her hair suddenly glowing as if on fire while her eyes turned red, “Never had my Semblance activate like that before!”

“Ah yes, your Semblance, please do not hold back on my account.”

“If you insist,” Yang said, returning with a strike about as powerful as the masked girl’s initial strike, which slipped past as the smaller girl turned just a fraction of a second before it could land. Yang kept trying to strike the redhead as she continued to dodge and divert the blows.

“So, why do you wear a mask?” Yang asked.

“I was told to when they gave me the role,” the girl answered honestly.

“Script, Penny,” Yang whispered to her.

“The role of the Captain of my ship! It is very comfortable, all humans like us (hiccup) will wear them in the future,” she chimed in, trying to regain her role.

“You know,” Yang said, missing blows repeatedly as her fire slowly dimmed, “I think I know why you’re making me actually have to work for this.”

“Is it because I want to tire you out so I do not have to harm you?” the girl asked hopefully as she continued her ducking and dipping.

“Maybe a bit...” Yang noted, “But the thing is, I haven’t fought just one person in a long time...”

“I suppose that would make a difference, but I fear I cannot fathom what as my training did not cover such tactical reasoning,” she confessed with only a minor hiccup.

“It’s a heat of battle sort of thing” Yang said, her eyes being the only sign she still had her semblance active. “You use different moves when you’re fighting a Grimm or a bar full of gangsters than when you’re only fighting one...”

“A WHAT FULL OF WHAT?!” Tai’s voice broke out over a speaker, nearby.

“Well yes,” the ginger stated as she pulled the arm past her, hooked her elbow around Yang’s neck, and held her in a perfect sleeper hold. “Now please make this easy and go to sleep?”

“Not something I’m good at, I’m afraid,” Yang noted, her Semblance burned out as she tried to slam her opponent into nearby rocks before passing out with a loud thud.

The girl slipped out and set her into a recovery position as she checked for breathing and sighed. “I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But, in the meantime, sleep well, and dream of a cat woman.”

She paused and pulled out a stack of papers, reviewing a line before shrugging and putting it away again. “Weird word choice…” she muttered before going after Ruby and Torchwick again.

“Interesting addition,” Ilia noted from their new perch, while Blake was blushing from ear tips to toes. A glance to the stage showed Tai making sure he clipped the scene perfectly for Yang to see later.

Meanwhile, back at the ruins of the cliffside, Princess Cinder was there with some of her loyal followers, examining the remains of the field.

“It looks like there was a mighty duel,” she noted, “Two swordswomen, both masterful, both with devastating Semblances. The winner proceeded on foot onward. The loser... I can only assume she was destroyed utterly. They’re headed for Vacuo. I’d stake my life on it.”

Emerald was busy looking over the devastation, that left very little in the way of evidence of any type of sword fight being here. Let alone details other than two sets of footprints. “Umm… are you sure that was what happened here? It looks more like a dust car exploded, and two people walked away…”

“You clearly aren’t looking closely enough,” Cinder snapped, “We’ll follow the footprints leading onward.”

“Should I lead some goons to get the loser?” she asked as she pointed after the other set, holding up a little dolly from her belt to look along the finger and nod back to her that the direction was correct. Before making her kiss a sapphire ring and tucking her away.

“The loser doesn’t matter. Only my  _ Princess _ matters. Clearly this was all planned by the White Fang of Vacuo. We must prepare for what lies ahead.”

“...What?” Emerald asked in confusion, before snapped back to the situation, “I mean… ‘What if it’s a trap, ma’am?’”

“Everything is a trap, that’s why I’m still alive,” Cinder stated as she marched towards her car, waiting on the passenger side for Emerald to scrabble over, open it, and shut it after she entered. Emerald got to the other side, climbed in, and began driving, the mics picking up, “Are you sure it’s okay for me to drive as neither of us have our licenses?”

“Who cares?”

In an open field, with only a few small rocks near the road, Torchwick sat next to a little checkerboard tablecloth over a rock. A bottle of clear liquid, with two glasses next to it rested on it to hold it down, meanwhile, he was holding Ruby at cane point.

“Alright, we both know how the opening of this scene goes, girlie,” Torchwick noted flatly, barely pointing his cane in Ruby’s general direction at this point, “Can we skip to the powder bit? It took you long enough to get here.”

“Do you really want to do the powder bit? It seems rather long, and you look rather silly at the end,” the copper topped maiden asked.

“I refuse to change the way the character dies,” he answered in a huff, “The Battle of Wits is a classic.”

“Very well, I will honor that and stick to the script,” she answered before waving him on. “I believe it is your line first.”

“You ever heard of Ozymandias? Oswald? Osterman?” he asked, clearly skipping a bit.

She paused a bit to access the right line, before answering, “Of course.”

“Morons.”

“Really?” she asked before continuing after a momentary pause. “In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits!”

“For Red?” he inquired, getting an eager nod from the girl before him, “To the death?” After another nod, he continued. “I accept.”

“Then pour the water,” Penny stated, before looking at him in confusion, “That’s vodka.”

“The script called for wine. Neo got lost, then stuck in traffic.”

Penny paused, before nodding to herself. “Pour out the vodka then.”

“This bottle was expensive. I even actually bought this one.”

“Please pour out two shots worth?” she asked, trying to move along.

“Oh.” He followed the script.

Penny pulled out a small dark vial, carefully uncorking it, and holding it out towards him. “Please inhale this, but do not touch.”

“...This isn’t the real deal, is it?” he asked, sniffing and smelling nothing.

She dropped her voice slightly. “I could not find real Iocane powder, I do apologize. This is flour.”

He winced at the knowledge of how awful this was going to taste before pulling back from the vial, and answering. “I smell nothing.”

“Yes, well what you are not smelling is called Iocane powder, in certain areas. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the most deadly poisons known to man.”

Torchwick gave a non-committal hum as he poured out the shots into the larger glasses. Penny took both glasses and turned away, emptying out the contents of the vial before tossing it next to the rock. Turning back around, she set the glasses on the tablecloth one in front of each contender. “Alright, where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you make your choice, and we both drink, and find out who is right, and who is dead.”

That she managed to say the entire line without a single hiccup might have been telling to those that knew her, but Torchwick never did take the time to get to know her.

“But this is so simple,” he complained, “All I’ve got to do is think on what I know about you. Are you the sort of woman who would put the poison into her own shot, or her opponent’s. Now, a smart person would put the poison into their own goblet because they know that only a great fool would take what was given to him, so I can clearly not choose the shot in front of me. But you must know I’m not a great fool. You’d’ve counted on it! So I can clearly not choose the shot in front of me.”

“Have you made your decision then Mr. Villain?” the robot asked conversationally.

“It’s Torchwick, and not remotely,” he replied, “Because Iocane comes from Mantle, and, as everyone knows, Mantle is entirely populated with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, the way you’re not trusted by me, so I clearly can’t choose the shot in front of you!”

“My father’s mother was from Mantle, Mr. Torchwick, but your intellect is truly dizzying.”

“Wait ‘til I get going! Now… Where was I?”

The girl paused to tilt her head in consideration as she replayed the conversation in her head. “I believe going on about Mantle.”

“Yes, Mantle! And you must have suspected that I’d’ve known he powder’s origin, so I clearly can’t trust the shot in front of me,” Torchwick continued building up steam.

“I think you may be stalling now Mr. Torchwick, sir.”

“You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you?!” he replied with a flourish. “You’ve beaten Blondie, so you’ve got to be exceptionally strong, so you could’ve poisoned your own shot, trusting your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the shot in front of you. But, you also bested the Heiress, so you must’ve studied, and in studying, you would’ve learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, you I can clearly not choose the shot in front of me!”

The green eyes were fixed on the rambling man, scrutinizing him innocently. “Are… you trying to trick me into giving something away? I do not believe it will work as you expect.”

“It has worked!” she shouted arrogantly, “You’ve given everything away! I know where the poison is!”

“Then I believe it is time to make your choice, correct?”

“It is, and I choose...” he let out a fake gasp, before pointing over her shoulder, “What in the world could that be!”

The girl turned and began looking into the distance in earnest, eager to see whatever it was he was pointing at as he switched the shots. “Why about ten miles away, I believe that is a small fore-”

“Never mind,” he interrupted, getting her to turn back to him, “Must’ve been a trick of the light or something. Now let’s drink. Me from my shotglass, and you from yours.”

The girl pouted as she slumped in defeat, before straightening up and picking up her shotglass and holding it up. “I believe cheers are in order?”

Across from her, Torchwick raised his glass and held it up to his lips, watching her intently.

“To your health!” she cried out as she gulped down the shot in a single swig. He, in turn, drank from his shot glass. “I apologize Mr. Torchwick, you chose wrong.”

“You only think I guessed wrong, that’s what’s so funny!” he laughed as her eyes drifted to over his shoulder, “You fool! You’ve fallen for one of the nine classic blunders! The first is to never fight a land war in Mantle in the Winter, but second and only slightly less well known is this: Never go up against a Mistralian when death is on the line! Ha ha--”

His laughter was cut off as a large Nevermore swooped in and swallowed him whole before leaping away. The copper haired girl watched him flying away quietly as the scene ended. Walking over to Ruby, she helped her up. “The Special Effects are rather stunning, I almost thought that was a real Nevermore.”

A short woman with pink and brown hair arrived at that moment and let out a silent gasp of horror before she immediately raced after the Nevermore, dropping a shockingly sturdy bottle of wine onto the stone ‘table.’ “Thank you for getting here Miss Villain! I’m sure he’ll be fine with the stunt team, he’s a professional!”

Freeing Ruby from her bindings, the girl in black turned to continue their journey away from the Cliffs. 

“Who are you?” Ruby asked after a few steps, looking at the retreating form of Neo, and the bird still visible.

“I’m not supposed to say that, just that I am no one ot be trifled with, and that should be all you need to know now.”

“To think, yours was the poisoned one...” Ruby mused, eyeing the two shot glasses even as they left.

“To be honest, they both were poisoned,” the girl confessed as they pressed onwards. “I… have an immunity.”

Cinder examined the battlefield of the boulders, focusing on the latest pile of rubble in their path “Two giants fought here.”

“Giants?” Emerald asked with a raised eyebrow as she placed her foot next to one of the footsteps, seeing it just a hair smaller than hers.

“Veritable mountains of humanity,” Cinder insisted, ignoring Emerald’s interjection, “Look at the damages. There will be great suffering in Vacuo if she dies.”

“You never said that about me dying,” Emerald pointed out with a pout as they remounted, getting ready to ride off after their quarry.

The tiny doll did not say anything, as it was a doll, but Emerald gave it a loving pat, and a gold bracelet to serve as a slightly gaudy looking necklace.

Cutting back to the stage Tai sat with his face in his hands, working his fingertips into a heavily furrowed brow as his first wife and brother-in-law sat on the bed, playing cards. “I was so sure this would work. ‘They had to have some sense of professionalism,’ I thought. ‘They just had to learn their lines and not kill each other,’ I assured myself,”

“What’s he going on about?” Qrow asked Raven.

Raven set down a few of her cards, before pointing to the men in suits and ties at the edge of the stage. “Lawyers wanting to talk about property damages, reckless endangerment, and the one about copyright infringement took a look at what we have recorded and excused himself laughing.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Qrow asked, “No one is going to sue.”

“Oh, he has the rights to put this on, and even show the movies for pay,” she corrected as she tapped her cards. “But they had to be sure he wasn’t claiming complete ownership.”

“So, we’re not getting canceled, then?” he asked disappointedly while picking up a card.

Raven sighed and gave a little shrug, “As far as I can tell, no? Not sure if he wants to laugh or cry over that.”

“So, who are you going to bet on getting with Tiny Winter by the end of this?”

“Not that Emerald Chick, maybe that chameleon girl that we had to chain to the seats,” she stated, glancing over to said Ilia and a very bemused looking Blake, “I don’t even think those are going to hold her for long… hey, the camera has a red light on top, what does that mean again?”

“That Tai is going to kill us...” Qrow announced before smiling at the camera. “Go and get some snacks… and bring me back some popcorn. And those chocolate mint things!”


	4. Chapter 4

On a grassy hilltop, Penny set Ruby on a rock gently. “Here you go, catch your breath Princess Ruby.”

“Not that I’m unappreciative, but what do you get out of this?” Ruby asked.

“I get course credit for Professor Peach’s class,” the redhead in black answered eagerly.

“We’re rolling!” someone whispered from offstage.

“OH!” Ruby exclaimed, “If you’ll release me, you’ll get whatever you ask for. I promise.”

“And what is that worth? The promise of a young girl?” the girl in black asked with a slight scoff in her voice. “Very funny, your highness.”

“I was giving you a chance,” Ruby said, the snicker in her voice doing little to help her sell the role, but after a deep breath, she tried again. “There is no greater hunter than Princess Cinder. She can track a Nevermore on a cloudy day. She can find you.”

“You believe that your dearest love will save you?” the redhead asked with a slight scowl that somehow makes itself visible despite the mask.

“I never said she was my dearest love,” Ruby protested, “And she will save me, that much I know.”

“So, you admit that you don’t love your fiancee,” the girl in black declared accusatively.

“She knows I don’t love her, said something about thank the Brothers for small miracles,” she shot back with a huff.

“Are incapable of love  _ hic _ is what you mean,” she snapped, looking pained as she said that.

Silver eyes flashed dangerously as she glared harshly at the girl in black. “I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream.”

After a beat, Ruby glanced down at the hand by the dread pirate’s hip. Swiftly the hand comes up, and grabs her by the wrist and drags her along. “Let’s go, Highness. Next time, I will have to punish you.”

Back in the bedroom scene Qrow looks awkwardly at Tai, his chocolate mint candy halfway to his mouth. “What? You thought she could pretend to hit her?”

“It would have been really out of character, from what I’ve seen,” Raven agreed.

Tai sighed as he rubbed the bridge of his nose, contemplating a nice life as in solitude, somewhere isolated and alone. This was not working out anywhere near as planned. “Fine, I admit this does feel more natural for her.”

“Let’s just keep rolling,” came Glynda’s voice from offscreen, followed by a crack that made the trio of ‘responsible’ adults jump and the feed from the battle of wits to load.

Cinder sniffed the tiny vial before nodding to herself. “Iocane. I”d bet my life on it!”

Emerald looked at the scene of giant wings, the remains of a crumpled bowler hat, and several feathers before looking at the little doll and shaking her head slowly. No, this time she wasn’t going to point out the flaws in that statement. It just wasn’t worth it.

“And there are my princess’s footsteps,” she blundered forward, kicking the bottle of wine out of the way and down the hill, where a cry of pain returned. “She’s alive, or she was an hour ago. If she’s otherwise when I find her, I’ll definitely be put out.”

Emerald stared helplessly as the little doll for a moment more, before returning to hold the door for Cinder to get into the car and drive on to the next location.

On a grassy hilltop alongside a gully, the girl in black gently pushed Ruby down to the ground, checking in on her ‘subtly’ until she saw a thumbs up. “Rest, Highness,” she ordered as she strode the area.

“I know who you are,” Ruby declared.

“I should hope so, this mask does little to mask my features and I don’t think this costume is as obfuscating as it could be,” the girl in black chimed in with earnest confusion.

“You’re the Dread Pirate Ironwood!!”

The redhead beamed at the girl, before bowing deeply, with a grandiose sweep of her hand. “With distinction! What can I do for you?”

“You killed my true love!” Ruby snarled, blatantly skipping ahead.

The Dread Pirate blinked, before giving her a soft, grateful smile. Recovering herself, she stood to her full height and tried to sneer at her. “It’s possible, the Dread Pirate Ironwood has killed a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another princess like this one? Spoiled, spiteful, and evil?”

“No,” Ruby declared, “A pure farm girl. Poor. Poor, and perfect. With eyes like leaves with sun shining through them, leaves under which you attacked. And the dread pirate Ironwood never takes prisoners.

“I cannot afford to make exceptions,” the Dread Pirate Ironwood replied, “Once word gets out that a pirate shows any signs of gentility, people start getting it in their heads that they can fight back and then it’s work, work, work all the time, according to the statistics.”

“You mock my pain!” Ruby shouted, overselling it just a bit.

“Life is often painful, Princess,” she chided gently, “Anyone who claims otherwise is attempting to sell something to you.”

“So that’s how the knife salesman got dad to buy five cases of butcher knives…”

“I remember this farm girl of yours, I think. This was what… five years, three months, two days, six hours, seven minutes and twenty-seven seconds prior to the final syllable of this sentence? Would it bother you to hear?”

“Nothing you can say about her will upset me,” Ruby growled darkly.

“She died well,” she replied softly, “No attempts to bribe me, no blubbering. She simply said ‘Please...’” Her gaze grew distant, “‘Please. I need to live.’ It was the please that pinged the memory.”

“She was always such a polite girl, and her please is cute, isn’t it?”

Blushing behind her mask, only distinct at the bottom, the Dread Pirate Ironwood continued. “I asked her what was so important for her. ‘True love,’ she replied.” Her expression grew softer, “And then she spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty, exceptional skill, and boundless faithfulness. I can safely assume she was speaking of you.” Her expression grew pained as she forced herself to speak the next lines, “You should bless me for destroying her before she learned of your treachery  _ *hic* _ .”

“And what treachery do you speak of?”

“Faithfulness she talked of, your enduring faithfulness,” she said, looking into Ruby’s eyes as if she did not want to say the line that followed. In point of fact, it was quite a long pause before people realized she seemed determined not to say it.

Ruby glanced around, before speaking softly so the girl could hear it. “And then you killed her anyhow, and what was said then?”

“D-did you get engaged to your princess when you found out, o-or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?” she asked, staring at Ruby, hoping she didn’t hurt her feelings.

Ruby gave her a proud smile before winking at her while he back was to the camera that panned around to show her face, which she morphed into a mask of rage. “You mocked me once. Never do that again!”

That someone went “Aww!” at a volume just below the mics’ ability to detect was completely ignored as she continued stalking towards the girl in black. “I died inside the day I found of her death at your hands…” she snarled, glaring point blank at the robot before shoving her as harshly as she could. “AND YOU CAN DIE TOO!”

Cinder’s vehicle pulled up on the other side of the gully while Penny threw herself backward for effect as she got into character.

“AS YOU WISH!” she called out, her mask coming off as she deliberately twisted on the ground to make it come undone..

Ruby looked down at the rolling girl before, slowly looking at the camera, putting her face in her hands she grumbled, “Oh my sweet Penny, what have I done?” Then she took a few steps back, grabbed her scythe out and rode the blade down the hillside.

On the other side of the hill, Cinder stared at where Penny and Ruby had been standing moments prior. Emerald seemed like she wanted to ask about the turn that she had asked about a few miles back.

“She must have seen us closing in!” Cinder proclaimed, “That explains her making a mistake in her panic! Unless I’m wrong, and I’m never wrong...”

There was a sound of laughter that nearly every mic in use picked up, no matter where it was located, except for Emeralds who was busy playing with her dolly, trying to give her a gold braid bracelet woven into her hair.

Cinder glared, but continued, “They are headed right into the Fire Swamp.”

“Does that mean we’re going?” Emerald asked, checking when the fire extinguisher in their car was last inspected.

“Of course not. We’ll just find an exit on the other end and that will definitely be the one they leave through,” Cinder proclaimed certainly.

Emerald looked like she wanted to say something about there being an exit from a swamp that no one was ever supposed to survive, but just started up the car again. “Lexia, directions to the farthest exit to the Fire Swamp.”

“I told you not to call me that,” Mercury complained as he took out a map.

Penny was lying beside Ruby in the gully as she asked, “Can you move, Ruby?”

Ruby smiled at her, not looking the least bit scuffed up, possibly as she didn’t roll down like Penny had. “Move? You are alive again! If you asked, I would fly us to the broken moons!”

“I had told you that I would come back for you,” Penny smiled, “Why didn’t you wait?”

“Bad wri- I mean: You were dead,” she corrected, realizing she was probably going to be grounded by the end of this production.

Penny reached out, and cupped Ruby’s cheek gently as she wiped away a tear from under her eye. “Death cannot stop True Love, all it can do is delay the body of the lover for a while.”

Ruby caressed Penny’s cheek leaning in closer, “I’ll never doubt again.”

“Well that is not a healthy mentality, some doubt is always required Ruby,” Penny lectured with a smile on her lips.

Ruby cut her off, pulling her in for a kiss.

“WHOA THERE! CUT THE FEED!” Qrow cried out as he waved his hands in the air back in the bedroom, while Raven held back Tai. The father seemed rather… upset.

“Is there a problem?” Glynda’s voice snapped flatly, punctuated by another distinct cracking sound.

“They’re kissing, does he have to see the kissing parts?” Qrow asked, pointing to the livid father pinned to the bed in a full-nelson hold.

The feed cut off immediately.

“Now, will you be acting like mature adults for once in your lives?” Glynda demanded.

Qrow looked at the rest of his surviving teammates for a moment, before glancing back at Glynda. “That is a tall order. We might be able to get him to calm down enough to not try and storm off to kill her at the Fire Swamp?”

“I’ll humor you. Skip to the fire swamp,” Glynda ordered the crew.

In the audience, a familiar cat girl leaned over to talk to a chameleon girl while the intermission screen showed again. “It took me months to dare doing more than hold Yang’s hand near him.”

“Ah,” she replied sagely as a redhaired catgirl skated on screen dressed as a tub of popcorn singing about going to the lobby, joined in by another red head in a soda bottle costume peeked in and apologized, and a third one dressed as a waffle with a syrup bottle hammer chased the popcorn cat. The antics were quite entertaining, and they had a surprising number of routines. Finally, a black haired boy with a pink stripe, dressed as a hot dog walked on screen, took a single look, and turned around.

The screen then returned to the ravine floor, chasing behind the two girls on the run, the Fire Swamps looming darkly head of them.

Penny glanced up to see Cinder’s vehicle begin to pull towards the ledge.

“Haha! Your fiendish fiance is too late! A few more steps and we shall be safe inside of the Fire Swamp!”

“We’ll never survive,” Ruby stated with an utter lack of conviction, belief, or even care.

“Nonsense. You are only saying that because the writing insists… because there have been no recorded examples of anyone else having done so! * _ hic _ *”

“No, I’m saying it because the script makes me into a weakling... “ Ruby grumbled as they entered the swamps, showing them wandering through the murky, dark area slowly.

Penny pulled out a familiar red object, completely ignoring the script to reunite Ruby with her beloved Crescent Rose, “I believe this is yours.”

“BABY GIRL!” Ruby chirped as she hugged the folded up swiss army scythe of death, dismemberment, and pain. Kissing it sweetly, as she tried to subtly rub out the grass stain from her little sledding trip down the ravine wall, which is about when the crew took the weapon from her.

“This is not so bad,” Penny noted as they trekked through the Fire Swamp. “Not that I’m saying that we should have a summer home here, but these trees are quite healthy, and unique. Did you know that they are fireproof due to them growing in these swamps?

Ruby leapt out of the path of a burst of fire moments after a sound went off where it had gone off. Penny watched, clapping her hands. “Splendid!”

“Well, that is interesting to hear,” Ruby said, patting down Penny’s skirt to put out the smoldering fringe, not noticing that it looks like she is copping a feel to the camera.

“Oh, this is an adventure is it not? Singed a bit, I suppose,” Penny cheered as she looked at the blacked edge of her skirt. “Thank you. Are you alright?”

“I’m good. What about you?” Ruby said, “”

Penny beamed at her excitedly as she bounced on her feet, ignoring the clicks as three dozen flame jets were set off in the area from her vibrations, “I am exploration ready!”

Qrow glanced offstage at Glynda, raising an eyebrow at the antics before waving a hand at the screen like he was silently asking, ‘ _ Are you seeing this? This is clearly James’s fault. _ ’

As Ruby and Penny escaped the pyrotechnics, Pyrrha was being stuffed into an ROUS costume, ready for the scene that was to come. The crew desperately trying to get the tall girl into the costume that the shorter Torchwick was meant to wear. The camera cut back to the pair after a few moments.

“...Ironwood’s flagship ‘Imperium’ and I came at the far end. And then as you know, I am Ironwood!”

“But how? Ironwood’s been marauding for twenty years, and I thought he was a guy.”

“I too was confused by life’s little quirks,” she confessed, “The Ironwood I had met was not a male, either. It was the please that caught her attention, as I said. She said, ‘Very well, Penny. I have never had a valet before. You can try if you would like. I will most likely kill you in the morning.’ And she continued like this for years.”

Ruby gave her a dry look. “Sounds lovely…”

“Eventually, when I had learned all that I could learn and Ironwood had grown so riche she wanted to retire, she took me aside, and she told me, ‘I am not the real Dread Pirate Ironwood. My name is Winter Schnee. I inherited the title from a woman named Harriet, who inherited it from a woman named Fria who--’”

“Wait… was there ever an actual male Ironwood?”

“Yes, once upon a time the first Ironwood was a man by the name of Thadeus Ironwood, who had a son named Jebadiah Ironwood, who had a son named James, who was the first Dread Pirate Ironwood. Before Thadeus the family name was Copperforest. You see, the name is the important thing. No one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Penny...”

Ruby nodded as she digested the answered before moving to her next question. “But Schnee is more powerful of a name than Ironwood.”

“I was puzzled by that, too, but apparently she wanted to put some distance between herself and the family name anyway and it was some sort of legacy title.”

“I feel like I know another girl that would be the same way,” Ruby nodded sagely as she looked off screen where a white hair girl stuck her tongue out at her. “Continue.”

“So, we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew, and she stayed aboard for a while as the first mate, referring to me as Ironwood the entire time. Once they crew believed it, she left the ship and I’ve been Ironwood ever since. Except, now that we have been reunited, I will retire and hand the name over to someone else. Have I made things clear?”

“Why can’t we just keep running around with you as Ironwoo-!” the rest of her sentence was cut off as she disappeared in a puff of fine powder. Penny blinked as she looked around before diving in after her and seconds later the pit of powder erupted in a flare of flames. Penny hovered out of the remaining crater, carefully using her jet boots to move Ruby towards solid ground.

Pyrrha crawled along a nearby ledge, having only been able to fit into the head mask and the paws, deliberately catching Penny’s eye as the script suggested by waving at her and doing a little dance, not knowing that she was being recorded. The Furry of Unusual Size doing “I’m a Little Teacup” was going to become viral in the coming weeks. Pyrrha’s only saving grace was that she was wearing the Pumpkin Pete’s hoodie from Jaune, and was stuck inside the full head mask.

“That was cool!” Ruby gushed as she looked at the plume of fire still expanding in the air above them, before dissipating.

Penny smiled, “We have mastered the dangers of the Fire Swamp!”

“Well the fire spurts click thrice before going off, and seem like they’re stationary. No problem,” Ruby chimed in with a happy smile. “We can avoid them, or use them for our enemies.”

“And the Lightning Sand is both very distinct and not very difficult to escape,” Penny agreed.

“Just have to have a fire starter with an oxygen source.”

“Sensational! What was the third danger?”

“Oh! What about the R.O.U.S.?

“Rodents of Unusual Size? I do not believe they exist,” Pyrrha promptly tackled Penny in what most would have considered the most adorable attempt at looking menacing that someone in an accidental fursuit could have.

“I’m sorry!” the rodent screamed out as they wrestled on the ground, adding a bit to the cuteness of the whole scene, until Penny rolled over and Pyrrha fell into the crater that had remained behind after the lightning sand burned away. A moment later, the same voice called out, “I’m okay!”

Covered in a ground-colored tarp, Jaune resisted the urge to facepalm as he slipped a vine into the pit off camera so that Pyrrha could escape into the coverage and they could get ready for the next scene they were in. No one mentioned Pyrrha’s blush at their closeness under the tarp, despite being able to see it THROUGH the mask she still wore and said tarp.

“They are intelligent and rather polite!” Penny pointed out as she dusted herself off, striding over to Ruby rather proudly. The poor silver-eyed girl seemed to be having trouble breathing with the laughter.

“Pretend you’re injured,” Emerald whisper-shouted from beyond the treeline, “We’re on that scene!”

“Oh! Sorry!” Penny chirped before dislocating her shoulder and holding it inside the sleeve, red fluid dripping down. “Oh… I am leaking…”

When they cleared the trees, they were greeted by the sight of Cinder and her guards standing there, looking like they’d rather be anywhere else.

“Surrender,” Cinder ordered as Mercury adjusted his costume’s sword belt.

“Oh! You are surrendering to me? How wonderful!” Penny cheered as she tried to clap her hands, only for the dislocated arm to fall out of her sleeve and clunk onto the ground. “Very well, I accept.”

“Are you okay?” Emerald asked, only for Cinder to immediately interrupt the conversation.

“I give you full marks for bravery,” Cinder drawled, “Don’t make yourself a fool.”

“Oh! But however, would you capture us?” Penny asked as she picked up her arm and used the hand to wave towards the Fire Swamps. “We know the secrets of the Fire Swamp. We can live there quite happily for some time, I would imagine. So whenever you feel like tempting death, please feel free to visit us!”

Emerald blinked in surprise when she realized that Cinder had forgotten to put in the crossbowmen even as she blustered forth.

“I tell you once again, surrender!” Cinder ordered.

Penny seemed to consider this before shaking her head, casually waving it off with her flopping arm. “No, I do not believe I will.”

“For the last time, surrender!” Cinder ordered as Emerald forced the other guards to go to the Xs on the ground that marked where they were supposed to be at that scene.

“You first!” Penny challenged as she pointed the hand at her, somehow the hand formed a pointing finger at the villainess. “I would rather die again!”

Ruby reached for Crescent Rose surreptitiously before Emerald spoke.

“If you surrender and you return with us, we will not harm that woman, Ruby!”

“Do you promise not to hurt her… further?” Ruby asked, remembering the script with the prompting, causing a sigh from the green haired girl on the other side

“May I live to be a hundred and never hunt again,” Cinder replied, clearly disappointed that it did not escalate to combat.

“She is a crewmate on the Atlesian ship the ‘Imperium’,” Ruby explained, like it wasn’t a synonym for being a pirate.

“I swear it will be done,” Cinder lied like a liar. As Ruby took Penny aside to repair the broken arm, Cinder leaned over to whisper to Emerald, just loud enough for the microphones to hear it. “When we are out of sight, take her to the Pit of Despair!”

“You mean where the Grimm come from?”

“No the one from the script.”

“Ozpin’s office?” Emerald answered while flipping through some pages in a book. “Oh… yeah I imagine that fits.”

Clearing her throat she gave a salute, looking slightly uncomfortable about the order. “I swear it will be done.” The doll sitting on her shoulder was similarly saluting the boss lady, strapped in by a couple silver necklaces.

Meanwhile, a few paces away, Ruby talked to Penny as she reseated the dismembered arm. “I thought you were dead one, and it almost destroyed me. Allen wrench,” she commented, waiting until she got the tool before continuing. “I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could have saved you. Not again…”

She lowered her eyes, finishing the last bolt as she sniffled. Having finished the repairs, she stepped away, not looking towards Penny as she was guided away. When Cinder got in the vehicle with Ruby, having Mercury drive them off, Emerald waited until they left and made an illusory butterfly as she said, “Let’s get you to your ship...”

“We are women of action Miss, lies are not for us,” Penny stated, surprisingly without hiccuping.

“Well said, but I do have some lies about me,” she admitted, dispelling the butterfly illusion.

“Oh… how curious…”

“What?” Emerald asked.

“You make illusions, and have a cute little dolly,” she explained, fascinated by the first, and basically stating the second as a matter of fact. “You have someone looking for you.”

“What did she say about me?” Emerald asked quickly, before Glynda cleared her throat meaningfully, impressive as they were still several miles away, and not close to a speaker either.

Emerald proceeded to fake hitting Penny on the head with force, not wanting to damage her own hand. Thankfully, Penny stuck to the script and crumpled to the ground bonelessly. Unfortunately, she seemed to have gone into standby and was now several hundred pounds of metal with no support to carry them… and all the vehicles were gone.

Emerald took Tiny Weiss and posed her with her arms crossed.

“Don’t give me that, I have a job to do!” she protested

Tiny Weiss pointed mutely at the robot girl and then did a sweep of the surrounding countryside, as if making a point.

“We’ve got the wheelbarrow here, it’ll be fine!”

Tiny Weiss did not change facial expression, not even when she turned towards the camera, and slowly gave a disbelieving shake of her head. Impressive for a doll with a stitched-on face of two blue eyes and a small line of a thread for a mouth.

Emerald tried to pick up the fallen pirate, and tried, and tried, and no, she was not going to throw her back out on carrying her. Instead she signalled for them to cut the feed with a desperate wide eye look towards where the crew stood ready to help her.

Qrow was sipping out of a tall cup, his snacks on the bed around him. “This movie is going to be more pre-recorded intermission screens than the actual movie for this showing.”

Raven was pinning Tai to the bed, trying to keep him from moving while he was struggling to escape. People who knew Team STRQ back in Beacon would have had a few crude jokes about that, even some that knew them from after Beacon would make the joke. In fact, one blonde in particular would be glaring at the woman, stating that it was a little bit ironic. But Yang was still several miles away, and not there to call her mother on her hypocrisy.


	5. Chapter 5

A fair while later, Tai seems to have calmed down, and allowed to have some gummies while they looked towards the feed from the renovated office of the Former Headmaster of Beacon. A silver haired boy limps through the scene checking on the bound redhead while looking around the room. “Honestly, replace this contraption with his desk again, and nothing changes… that’s creepy isn’t it?”

“To be honest, I do not find it creepy,” Penny answered quietly while she remained under the straps on the slab of stone with the giant device at her head. “Now if it was a bit darker, or had something dripping and drooping from the ceiling that would add some creepiness.

A faint cough off screen got their attention before Penny glanced around with wide eyes. “Where am I?”

The boy dropped his voice low and loomed over Penny’s bound for. “The Pit of Despair. Don’t even thiNK-” he squeaked before coughing and continuing in a more normal tone. “Dont’ even think about trying to escape. The straps are far too thick. And don’t dream of being rescued, either. The only way in is secret, and only the princess, the countess, and I know how to get in and out.”

“Then I’m here till I die?” Penny asked as she slipped an arm back under the strap, hoping the camera didn’t pick that up.

Mercury shrugged and dabbed at a cut to her cheek with the liquid the prop department got from Atlas for her specific medical needs. “Til they kill you, yeah.”

“Then why bother repai-” Penny paused, and glanced at the camera. “Curing me?”

“Plot contrivance--I mean… they always insist on everyone being healthy before they’re broken,” He responded, looking at the annoyed Glynda off-screen warily as he went back on-script.

“So it’s to be torture then?” she asked as she got a nod from the boy who would like to see tomorrow thank you. “I can cope with torture.”

As he shook his head, she tilted her own. “Do you not believe me? I have been programmed to withstand dozens of common methods of tor-”

“No, I know you survived the fire swamp, you must be very brave,” Mercury cut in, eyes focused at a looming prescience offscreen, “but nobody withstands The Machine.”

In a soaring castle, overlooking a village below, Ruby stared into the distance with a melancholic look on her face as she slowly sharpened the blade on Crescent Rose.“She’s been sulking like this since the Fire Swamp,” Cinder whined as she watched her from a window below, not seeing the blade being sharpened, “It must be her worrying about my... father’s health.”

Tiny Weiss looked towards the young man with a pink stripe in his hair slumping on the throne with a weak cough, the orange haired girl next to him patted him gently on the wrist, before the doll was turned back to Emerald who nodded in agreement. “Of course Princess Cinderdinck.”

Tiny Weiss was turned towards the camera as Emerald held up a small card that read, ‘How are they younger than their daughter?!’

The scene blacked out as the echoing sound of a fist meeting skull filled the air. When the color returned to the screen, Cinder was standing on the balcony that Ruby had been sharpening her blade on, holding an ice pack to her hand.

“The King died that very night,” Tai narrated in a voice over as the camera panned back to show Nora sobbing melodramatically, and Emerald with a goose egg on the side of her skull and wincing at every sob, “and before the following dawn, Ruby Rose and Cinderdinck were married. At noon, she met her subjects again, this time as their queen.”

“My father’s final words were:-” Cinder started in a grand display, a dramatic flare of her hands spreading punctuating the words, the video feed froze before the next word.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Qrow interrupted, “Tai, you’ve got to be reading it wrong.”

“I’m reading it right,” Tai assured him dryly, done with the interruptions.

“She married Penny,” Raven said firmly.

Tai turned toward her with a tense smile on his face, one that drove actual fear into her soul. “Not without me being there she didn’t.”

“It’s bad storytelling,” Qrow insisted, “Stories are supposed to be fair, and that isn’t fair after everything the kid did for her.”

Tai slowly turned towards Qrow, giving him a dead expression. “Show me where that rule is written. Go head, I’ll wait.”

As the twins looked helplessly at each other, he smiled tightly at them. “I thought so. Now let’s finish this scene already. No more interruptions…”

Clearing his throat, he lifted up the book and began reading again. “At noon, she met her subjects again, this time as their queen.”

The video picked up of Cinder grandstanding as she proclaimed to the assembled crowd. “My father’s final words were: ‘Love her as I loved her and there will be joy.’” she proclaimed trying to ignore Nora screaming about infidelity. “I present to you your queen, Queen Ruby!”

Emerald, for her part, looked less enthused as she led Ruby forward from a doorway closer to the people. An older blonde woman with a riding crop tucked into the beltline of her brown dress, with craggy wrinkles added through cheap, cracked makeup, and hunched over to appear older than she should be. “Boo! Boo! Boo!”

As she chanted she stormed forward, towards the front of the crowd. Ruby looked towards her teacher with a tearful look in her eyes. “I deserve this!” Ruby shouted, causing Glynda to pause before giving a stern look to get her back on script. Most of this lost due to the camera being at her back, though the reflection in the windows was surprisingly useful. Ruby seemed to get confused as she tilted her head in confusion.” Why? Why do you do this?”

“Because you had love in your hands and you gave it up,” Glynda replied, giving a professional performance.

“How do you know this? You weren’t there…” Ruby asked in honest confusion as she looked at Emerald. “One of your guards has a loose tongue, and that is irresponsible.”

“Just go with the script,” Emerald whispered, gazing at Glynda fearfully.

Ruby turned back to the ancient booer, and saw a familiar expression that drove terror and best behavior into her as she was on her best acting ability, being grief stricken and tearful. “But they would have killed Penny if I hadn’t done it!”

“Your true love lives, and you marry another!” she snapped, terrified students throughout the shot ramrod straight and trembling fearfully as she unleashed her anger, “True Love saved her from the fire swamp and she treated it like garbage.” She paused when she saw Ruby legitimately crying.

Before she could break character, Emerald gave Ruby a supportive squeeze of the arm, and tapped her script against the emotional girl’s hip. The silver eyed warrior seemed to realize it was a scene, as she relaxed a little more into character, giving a slight nod as she swallowed a lump of nerves.

“And that’s what she is, the Queen of Garbage,” Glynda continued, her tone just ever-so-slightly more gentle, “So bow down to her if you want. The Queen of slime, The Queen of Filth! The Queen of Putrescence! Boo! Boo! Boooo!”

The camera slowly panned around to show Glynda’s scowling face, zooming in with each of her exclamations, before going to black, and Ruby’s dramatic gasp from off screen, barely covering the sound of the camera smacking into something.

Vision returned to the world with Ruby sitting up in a bed wearing a sleeping gown that just barely missed covering her dress from the scene before. Panting, she flung off her blankets and staggered over to a wash basin in front of the vanity mirror, where she splashed her face.

“It was ten days till the wedding,” Tai read as swiftly as possible. “The king still lived, but Ruby’s nightmares were growing steadily worse."

“Told you so,” Raven interrupted smugly.

“Yes, you’re very smart, have a cookie,” Tai stated as he shoved a full chocolate chip cookie into his daughter’s mother’s mouth, with a glare. The scene on film picked up with Ruby now more put together in her costume. “Now, shut up.”

“It’s come to this,” Ruby said, her scythe in hand, “I love Penny. Always have, always will. If you force me to marry you, I will kill myself and you.”

Cinder walked over and took Ruby’s free hand in hers and kissed the knuckles gently. “I could never cause you grief. Consider our wedding off.” Lowering the hand, she turned toward Emerald.

“Really? That easy?” Ruby asked in surprise, lowering Crescent Rose.

“Of course, love is about wanting what is best for those you care for,” Cinder covered before returning her focus to Emerald. “You… returned this Penny to her ship?”

“Yes Cinderdinck,” Emerald answered while Tiny Weiss shook her head.

Ignoring the doll Cinder smiled, turning back to Ruby. “Then we shall simply alert her. Beloved, are you certain she still wants you? After all,” Cinder paused to wince slightly, “it was you who did the leaving in the fire swamp. Not to mention that pirates are not known to be people of their words.”

“My Penny will always come for me,” Ruby said, “She’s beautiful, smart, strong, fast, and she loves me as much as I love her.”

“Yes… well then, how about a deal?” Cinder mused as she plucked up some paper from her desk and held them out to Ruby. “You write four copies of a letter. I will send my four fastest ships, one in each direction. The dread pirate Ironwood is always close to Vacuo this time of year. We’ll run up a white flag and deliver your message. If Penny wants you, bless you both.”

As she folded Ruby’s hand over the paper, she gave her a hopeful smile. “However… if not, please consider me as an alternative to suicide… are we agreed?”

Ruby gave a sharp nod. “I don’t think I’ll ever love you, but I can agree to that.” With that, she turned and walked away.

Later, in the forest, Emerald turned towards Cinder, “Your princess is actually pretty appealing… to some people. I can understand why people like her.” Tiny Weiss nodded on her hip.

“Of course the people are quite taken with her.” Cinder chimed in proudly as she inspected the trees around them idly. “It’s odd, but when I hired Torchwik to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever,” she mused as she walked over a root. “But it is going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Atlas is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They’ll demand we go to war!”

“Now where is that secret knot,” Emerald mused hurriedly, deliberately ignoring Cinder’s plotting as she knocked on a large tree, before pausing and moving to the next tree over. “Now, where is that secret knot. I swear, it’s impossible to find… Are you coming down to the Pit? She’s got her strength back. I’m starting her on the machine...”

“Emerald, you know how much I love to watch people suffer,” Cinder commented sweetly as she put her hand to her cheek. “But I’ve got my country’s 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Atlas to frame for it. I’m swamped!”

“Get some rest,” Emerald suggested, looking slightly uneased at how easy Cinder was playing her role, “If you haven’t got your health, you haven’t got anything...”

“Mercury…?” Emerald called slowly, clearly thinking to herself as she entered the tree, blatantly dragging the scene out, “Is everything set up...?”

“It is...” Mercury replied.

Emerald took a deep breath before she headed down to where Penny was strapped into The Machine, going back into character, “Beautiful, right? Took me half a lifetime to invent it...” She paused clearly trying to figure out the logistics of that when she hadn’t even really lived two thirds of a lifetime. “Um... ”

Penny blinked up at the faltering girl curiously before prompting. “You have quite the interest in pain… how would you describe this machine?”

Emerald was clearly out of it, so Mercury tried his best to help, as well, “It’s meant to work like a suction pump from centuries ago, right?”

Blinking her eyes slowly, Emerald shook herself slightly before nodding, “Y-yes. That is what this is really, however instead of sucking water, it sucks life. As Mercury learned when he tried it after hours.”

As Mercury protested, she moved the lever from zero to one, letting water flow to power the machine. Penny seemed to forget that this was supposed to be torment, stared at her.

Mercury cleared his throat meaningfully.

Taking the hint, Penny, proceeded to pretend to react, despite the pumps not actually doing anything. She writhed and squirmed as Emerald seemed to regain herself a bit more.

“I’ve just sucked out one year of your life away, tell me… What did this do to you? Please be honest, this is for posterity…” she mused as she lifted a pen and paper.

Penny did a good impression of Nora’s melodramatic weeping before Mercury cleared his throat again, coughing “overkill,” at which point she switched to the sound of pained whimpering deep in the back of her throat, interrupted by a hiccup.

“Fascinating...” she murmured, slowly getting back into character, though she did turn away from the camera at the last minute, running her thumb along Tiny Weiss’s braid to comfort herself.

Back in Cinderdinck’s office, a blonde hair boy coughed into his hand, getting Cinder’s attention before pointing to the camera.

“Jaune!” Cinder snapped sharply as she turned face him.

“Sire,” he replied, the word somehow sounding like an insult coming from him.

Cinder narrowed her eyes as she pointed to her breasts meaningfully, as the misgendering was not cool.

“Your Highness,” he said, just as impolitely, having been following an unedited part of the script.

Cinder waved him over to her desk, where a map was splayed over the surface. “As chief enforcer of all Beacon, I trust you with this secret: killers from Vacuo are infiltrating the Thieves’ Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night.”

“Are you sure they’re not trying to get you?” he muttered, before quickly correcting, “My spy network has heard no such news. People love Ruby.”

As if summoned, Ruby appeared at the doorway, her face hopeful. “Any word from Penny?” she asked enthusiastically.

The smile faded as Cinderdinck shook her head slowly. “It’s too soon, my angel. Patience.”

“She’s coming for me,” Ruby replied, her eyes narrowed, turning to leave.

“I am sure she will,” Cinder answered sincerely to her back, before turning towards Jaune, “She will not be murdered. On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves’ Forest emptied, and every inhabitant arrested.”

“The thieves are going to resist,” Jaune noted dryly as he looked at the area he was to cover, “My usual guys won’t be able to pull something like that off.”

“FORM A BRUTE SQUAD MORON!” Cinder snapped hotly, before seeming to catch herself, and take a calming breath. “I want. The Thieves’ Forest emptied. Before. I. Wed. Understood?”

“Not gonna be easy, Princess,” he replied.

“Try ruling you idiots sometime,” she spat back bitterly.

“Not sure you’re pulling that one off, yourself,” he noted as he left to follow her orders. Cinder slowly lowered her head into her hands and let out a frustrated groan, one that echoed in the heart of a certain cargo shorts wearing director.

Tai seemed to school his emotions enough to continue in remarkable time, as he spoke up, reading from the book he had slammed his face into. “The day of the wedding arrived. The brute squad had their hands full carrying our Cinderdinck’s orders.”

Jaune looked over the inside of the cart they were loading a lot of shadowy figures into, seeming to try and get a headcount. “Is everybody out?”

His answer came in the form of a small whine from a little corgi, and Jaune looked like he was reconsidering his employment. “An Atlesian is giving you trouble?” at the bark, he sighed, “Trouble and treats?” at the nod, he put his face in his gloved hand, before tapping a blonde muscular woman on the shoulder. “Go give her some more trouble. Move.”

Weiss stood there, hands shaking as she held an empty bottle, tears in her eyes as she tried to lift it to her mouth to simulate drinking.

“I’m w… I’m…” She dropped the bottle, “I’m sorry. I don’t think I can do this...”

“Just be emotionally dramatic,” Blake stated as she walked onto the set, tossing the bottles into a recycling bag. “Let’s go with the cake plates instead!”

A giant seven tiered chocolate cake with frosting appeared on the table, a generous chunk set before Weiss. “Now… pretend your father just kicked Zwei.” Weiss breathed in several times, slow, ragged breaths before she was able to continue. Blake smeared some frosting at the very corner of her mouth before handing her a fork with a piece of cake on it already. Weiss gave her a grateful nod, before getting back into character

“I’m waiting for you, Torchwick!” she called out, stabbing into the cake aggressively, “You said to go back to the beginning! So I have! This is where I am, and this is where I’ll stay! I won’t be moved!”

Zwei appeared in the doorway, barking out a challenge, wagging his tail.

“I will not be moved from this place,” she scoffed, tossing him a juicy steak before rubbing his belly and cooing over him.

Zwei ate the steak in a few bites, before holding out a scroll from his collar. It was labelled orders from the Princess.

“She can order what she wants. When the job went wrong, Torchwick went back to the beginning. This is where we got the job, so it’s the beginning, isn’t it? Yes it is. Yes it is. And I’ll be staying here until he shows up.”

Zwei let out a small whimper, barking to the side, bringing Yang over as summoned.

“I’m waiting for Torchwick...” she repeated, pulling out Myrtenaster.

Yang lowered her sunglasses, as she spoke up, “He was kinda a di-”

“Kid’s story!” Ilia interrupted from the sidelines.

“Lovely place to pick…” Yang corrected after a moment, glaring offscreen.

“It’s you...” Weiss murmured in relief.

“Your beau!” Yang flirted with a wink before reaching out to swipe the frosting off of Weiss’s cheek. “You don’t look so good.”

Weiss collapsed face-first into the cake. Yang lifted her enough to allow her to breath. “You smell good though…”

“I’m fine!” she protested, “Leave me to the cake!”

Yang gave her a feral grin as she patted her on the shoulder. “I will give you cake, Weiss, every bite you can eat… and then some…”

As Yang began force feeding Weiss more cake than was reasonable, Tai began speaking louder. “Yang and Weiss were reunited. As Yang… nursed… her friend back to health, she told Weiss of Torchwick’s death, and the existence of Countess Emerald. Considering Weiss’s lifelong search, she handled the news surprisingly well.

The camera showed Weiss slamming Yang’s head into the cake repeatedly, clearly having gone completely feral at the reveal before racing towards the door, despite the cake on her dress and the fact that she was minutes away from collapsing due to the sugar rush wearing off. The fires and red eyes that met Weiss after Yang gripped her hand, and dragged her back were probably a bad sign.

“Yang took great CARE in reviving her FRIEND Weiss.”

Yang was dunking Weiss in steaming water, before lifting her out enough to get a breath before dunking her in ice water, then back into the steaming water. Several times.

“That’s enough!” Weiss stated in a tone that caused the sort of dread that only Glynda Goodwitch had caused before, “THAT’S ENOUGH! Where is this Emerald now, so I can kill her for… So that I can kill her?!”

“She is with the princess, in the castle,” Yang explained as she handed Weiss a towel. “But the castle is guarded by fifty trained soldiers.

“How many can you handle?” she demanded.

Yang smirked as she flexed her arm for Weiss. “With these guns?”

“How many?!”

“Maybe twenty?”

“That leaves thirty for me. At my best, I couldn’t take thirty that quickly. I need Torchwick, like it or not. He was good at planning these sorts of things.”

Yang seemed to understand the pain that Weiss felt ever using those words in a single sentence.

“No...” Weiss said, the spark of inspiration in her eyes, “I need the Girl in Black!”

Yang gave her a flat look, as if trying to process the thoughts of her friend. “What?” 

“She’s stronger than you, better with swords than me, and she must have outsmarted Torchwick. A woman who can do all of those things in one day can plan my castle onslaught anyday! Let’s move!”

“Do you even have a clue as to where?” Yang asked curiously.

“Don’t bother me with trifles, Yang! After all these years, my first k- I will have my revenge! There will be blood tonight!”

“How many years has it been?” Yang asked as the scene cut over to Cinderdinck’s office.

Cinder turned and watched a Jaune entered, taking a knee before her and head bowed in submission. “Rise and report.”

“Thieves’ Forest is cleared, Princess,” Jaune said irritably, rising from the floor, “I’ve got fifty people guarding the castle gate.”

“Impossible was it?” she asked with a smirk as she turned away to look at paperwork. “Regardless, double the men on the gate. My princess must be safe!”

Jaune shuddered at how she said “My princess” before saying, “There’s only one gate key. Mine.” So saying, he held it up to illustrate that point.

Looking past him, Cinder pushed him out of the way, and lavished her attention on Ruby who entered the room. “Ahh, my dulcet darling. Tonight, we marry. Tomorrow morning the guards will escort us to the Atlesian channel, where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.”

“Every ship but your four fastest.” Ruby said, toying with a Gravity Dust bullet. When Cinder gave a confused look she continued, “Every ship but the four you sent to contact Penny.”

“Ah yes, forgive me. Of course, naturally not those four.”

“Liar!” Jaune coughed.

“Don’t you have guards to arrange…” Cinder hinted with a growl to her voice. Once he was gone, she turned back to Ruby.

“You never sent the ships,” Ruby stated flatly, the Gravity Dust round falling completely still in her hand, “Nonetheless, Penny’s going to come for me.”

“A silly notion of a silly girl,” Cinder dismissed as she waved it off.

“Maybe I am silly, but at least I’m not a coward,” she countered.

Cinder surged forward, her hand cupping Ruby’s chin and forcing her to look her in the eyes. “I would not say such things, were I you…”

“Why not?” Ruby taunted, “You can’t hurt me. Penny and I are joined by the bonds of love. You can’t track that with a thousand Beowolves, and you can’t break it, not with a thousand swords, and when I say you’re a coward, you know I’m right, because you’re the slimiest coward to crawl!” She threw the bullet to the ground, causing a dent in the stone before she stormed out of the room to her own.

Cinder watched her storm away, calling out to her. “I would not say such things if I were you!”

Storming out, she appeared in the Pit of Despair, stomping over to tower over the prone Penny. “You truly love each other,” she snarled as she ran her finger along Penny’s chin lightly. “And so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance. No matter what the story books say…”

Standing up to grip the control lever, she snarled. “So… I think no woman in a century will suffer as greatly as you will,” she snapped hotly as she slammed the lever all the way to the maximum level.

“Not to fifty!” Emerald shouted pointedly in Penny’s direction as Cinder pulled the lever, “That will be agonizingly painful beyond the limits of the human body, and would definitely be enough to kill her without data being provided for my tests!”

Even Cinder looked a little green at the sounds of agony and suffering that Penny emitted before slowly, agonizingly slowly growing still.

In the middle of the city, Weiss stopped Yang in the middle of where they were walking. “Yang? Yang! Listen! Do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Emerald stole my innocence from me. The Girl in Black makes it now.”

“What makes you so sure?” Yang asked, before pausing. “Wait, she stole what?”

“Her true love is marrying another tonight. So who else has cause for such ultimate, all consuming suffering?” she asked before trying to shove her way through. “Excuse me. Pardon me, it’s important!”

Getting nowhere fast, she turned to the taller blonde, waving a hand at the crowd. “Yang, please?”

“EVERYONE CLEAR OUT, NOW!” Yang shouted, causing the crowd to part, “We’re not done with the innocence thing...”

“Thank you, Yang,” she offered before running away as fast as her heels could carry her. Maybe she could outrun her friend’s teasing that way.

“Wait… she stole a kiss and the doll, right?” Qrow asked, leaning in to whisper into Raven’s ear as Tai seemed to be staring helplessly at the screen.

“Yeah,” she whispered back, “Don’t know what to do with that...”

Qrow rubbed his chin in thought. “She keeps using that term… I do not think it means what she thinks it does.

“Nope,” Raven agreed.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO PENNY POLENDINA!” an incensed voice boomed as a man in white suit coat stormed the stage, his pistol slowly being drawn from its holster.

“Don’t look at us,” Qrow said, “We’re hostages here.”

“It’s all acting anyways tinman,” Raven teased as she poked the blonde who had seemed to have checked out of this reality. “So… what do we do about Tai?”

“Cut the feed!” Glynda commanded, causing the screen to show a doodle of Qrow tangled in electrical wires with several bottles around him, labeled TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES! PLEASE STAND BY!

Qrow’s voice seemed displeased as he muttered, “I knew I shouldn’t have drawn that…”

“Looks pretty accurate to real life, little brother,” Raven’s voice chimed in.


	6. Chapter 6

In the woods, just outside of the grounds of Beacon Academy, Yang and Weiss wander around the dimly lit area, before they come upon a silver haired boy hauling a wheelbarrow towards a clump of trees. Weiss greeted him warmly, with her sword at his throat, while Yang smiled with blood red eyes. “Where is the girl in black?” she asked, pressing the blade against his skin, at his smirk, she pointed at the wheelbarrow with the blade, a few strands of his hair drifting in the wind. “You got this from this grove, correct?”

At his prolonged silence, she huffed and turned towards Yang. “Yang, if you could jog his memory?”

The resounding smack of fist on panic stricken skull barely covered the sound of a body hitting the ground. “Sorry Weiss… I didn’t  _ mean _ to jog him so hard,” she stated without a hint of repentance to her voice as she shoved him into a shallow between tree roots. Looking up, she looked at Weiss staring at her blade. “Weiss?”

“Tiny Weiss, I have failed you all these years,” Weiss proclaimed solemnly “Now, we can be avenged. Somewhere, somewhere close by is a girl who can help me reclaim you and my virtue. I can’t find her alone. I need you to guide Myrtenaster. Please, guide my sword.”

With that, Weiss shut her eyes and allowed herself to be drawn forward by the sword, only to stab into a tree. Tired and devastated by the fact that it seemed to have failed, Weiss leaned against the tree disappointedly, unintentionally pressing the hidden knot. As there was finally a click, an elevator door pinged as it opened out of the side of the tree.

The pair shared a look, and double checked the script before shrugging and getting into the strange elevator in the middle of the woods. Yang reached over to press one of the three buttons there. The paired stood silently, looking around awkwardly at the reflective inner walls as they continued, the music wasn’t terrible, but they couldn’t quite place it.

After a long, long, excessively long time, they arrived with a ping. What they saw when the doors opened was a massive, empty cavernous opening leading towards a glowing slab on the far wall. The old man from the noodles stand looked up and waved at them with his toothless grin, which they returned nervously.

Yang never hit a button so fast in her life.

Weiss looked at the taller blonde, and pointed her finger at the girl’s nose. “We are to never speak of that again.”

“Horror movie scenery aside… I ain’t that dumb.”

When they arrived in the actual Pit of Despair, the pair froze at the sight of the girl on the table, immobile and staring blankly ahead, despite the glow in her eyes. Directly at them.

“She’s dead?” Yang asked, sounding a little uneasy after the first stop on their tour.

“This isn’t fair,” Weis said flatly.

“What do we do? Accept this and move on?”

“She can’t be dead,” Raven interrupted tersely, bringing the scene back to the twins and Tai, sitting on a bound and gagged Ironwood.

“She’s gotta be faking, right?” Qrow murmured, half to himself.

Tai looked up from the book, “You want me to read this or not?” he asked, knocking out the general as he stirred.

“Keep going,” Raven demanded, “Who kills Cinder...dinck?”

“I don’t understand your question.”

“Quit clowning around, Tai,” Qrow chimed in, “Who kills her? Is it Weiss?”

Tai smiled sweetly at the pair, leaning over the book slightly. “Nobody. She lives.”

“This is a terrible story,” Raven said flatly, “I can’t believe you enjoy this drivel.”

“Would you rather go through family therapy again?” Tai asked with a sugary sweetness that his eyes did not reflect. He had a scroll at the ready.

“Let’s not be hasty,” Raven said, “Carry on.”

Tai watched her as he slowly lowered the phone, and picked up the book again. “Alright where were we? Ah yes, accepting defeat,” he stated as the ‘film’ picked back up

“A true Schnee never takes defeat easily,” Weiss said, a determined gleam in her eye, “Come, Yang! Bring the body.”

“The body?” Yang asked, scooping up the girl and seeming to strain slightly under the weight.

“Do you have any money?” Weiss pressed.

Yang grunted as she patted her pockets, “A little. We should accept the death and move on?”

“I’m Weiss Schnee!” Weiss snapped determinedly, “Granddaughter of Nicholas Schnee, and I do not accept this! Let’s move. We’re going to retrieve a miracle.”

Yang seemed intrigued by the sudden fire in her friend, before grunting and looking at the elevator. “Do you think we can bring that wheelbarrow here? I swear she’s wearing lead clothing or something.”

Eventually, they came to a hut in the woods, at which point Weiss began emphatically rapping sharply on the door, waiting for a response. After a second, she began doing so again. And just as she was about to have Yang knock for her, it opened to reveal an older man with silver hair and dark green glasses.

“Go away,” he stated coldly before slamming the door on them, after Weiss began to rap on the door again, he opened it again. “WHAT?! WHAT?!”

“Are you the Miracle Ozpin who worked for the King all those years?” Weiss demanded.

“The King’s darling daughter fired me,” he stated flatly while giving her a dead expression. “And thank you so very much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you’re at it, why don’t you give me thousands of paper cuts and dunk me in lemon juice? We’re closed!”

At the next hammering, he slammed the door open again. “BEAT IT, OR I’LL CALL THE BRUTE SQUAD!”

“I  _ am _ the brute squad,” Yang chimed in helpfully.

“We need a miracle” Weiss stated imperiously, “It is of the utmost importance.”

“Do I look like I care? I’m retired,” he explained as if to a simple child. “Why would you want someone the daughter of the king fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.”

“She is dead already,” Weiss pointed out, gesturing at Penny in the wheelbarrow.

This got a raised eyebrow out of the man, who sighed and waved them in. “Might as well take a look, bring her in.”

With some difficulty, Yang managed to lay Penny on the table, which groaned under her weight.

“I’ve seen worse,” Ozpin mused as he picked up a mug and took a drink.

“Sir?” Weiss called out.

“Yes, impatient child?”

“We are in a bit of a rush,” Weiss noted.

“You do not want to rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles that way,” he explained as he took another drink. “Got money?

“Sixty-five lien,” Weiss replied.

“I would call that an insult, save for one time, and that was a very noble cause,” he explained before sipping his tea again.

“This is a noble cause,” Weiss replied, “Her wife is… crippled. Their children on the brink of starvation.”

“Stop. There is no way she ever married,” he interrupted as he sipped his mug again. “You really are a rotten liar, aren’t you?”

“I need her help to avenge my virtue, stolen from me years ago,” Weiss confessed.

“Months, I might believe,” Ozpin pointed out, giving her a pointed look, while Yang just looked ready to die in the background. “First story was better. Do you see a set of bellows? I’ll just ask her.”

“She’s dead. She can’t talk,” Weiss replied as Yang handed him the bellows.

Ozpin chuckled and looked squarely in the camera with a devious smile. “Look at you, knowing so much more than me. Well it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open her mouth.”

“And what is that?” Weiss asked curiously as Yang mimed opening Penny’s mouth while Penny actually did so.

“Mostly dead is slightly alive. Now all dead…” he paused to squeeze air into Penny’s mouth with the bellows. “All dead there’s really only one thing to do.”

“What is that, exactly?”

“Go through her clothes and look for her banking information to provide for the funeral,” he answered as he put the bellows to the side and leaned next to Penny’s ear. “HEY! HELLO IN THERE! HEY! LISTEN! WHAT’S SO IMPORTANT? WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LIVE FOR?!”

“True Love,” Penny replied with crisp, clear diction.

Ozpin coughed slightly as he looked at the robot that was supposed to have dragged it out a bit more when she spoke.

“True Love!” she repeated slowly, enunciating the words.

“True love, you heard her,” Weiss said, “You couldn’t ask for a nobler cause than that.

“Yes, while True Love is the greatest thing in the world. I should know, once upon a time I had a true love of my own, a woman that I would have died for thrice over if she asked me to…”

Yang coughed into her hand pointedly.

“Yes, well your friend did not say True Love,” Ozpin recovered without missing a beat.

“What do you think she said, then?” Weiss demanded flatly.

Before he could say anything further, a short older woman with glowing blue goggles over her eyes stormed in holding up a skull capped cane and shaking it in his face.

“Liar!” Maria called out melodramatically, pointing the end of her cane at him, “Liar!”

“Get back, witch!” Ozpin stated without any of the dramatics on would expect.

“I’m not a witch, that’s your wife!” Maria quipped, “And I don’t think I'd wanna be that, either!”

“Trust me, she never had it so good as when we were happily wed,” Ozpin explained with a bored tone as he sipped his tea.

“True love, she said, True love, Oz!” Maria announced

He tapped his cane against the ground, spinning her around with the handle end. “Not another word, if you please.”

“He’s afraid,” Maria remarked, “Ever since Princess Cinderdinck fired him, his confidence is shattered.”

Ozpin almost looked physically pained, though his eyes danced with mirth at that name. “Why? Why did you say that name? You promised not to say that name.”

“What, Cinderdinck?” Maria snapped, seeming to be trying to avoid laughing at the name.

“SNRK” Ozpin barely covered his laughter with a ‘pained’ wince behind his hand.

“Cinderdinck, Cinderdinck, Cinderdinck, Cinderdinck, Cinderdinck!” Maria repeated, before she had to hold back her own laughter.

“ENOUGH!” several voices called at once, barely heard over the sound of snickering off-screen.

“Your life’s expiring and you don’t even have the decency to say why you won’t help?”

Ozpin gave the camera a meaningful glance before putting his hands over his ears. “Nobody’s listening.”

“This is Ruby’s True Love!” Weiss interrupted before Maria could go back to repeating the name, “If you heal her, she will stop Cinderdinck’s wedding!”

“Will she also make it so I can stop hearing that name?” Ozpin asked hopefully.

“It won’t come up much more after that,” Weiss acknowledged.

“Erase the name from my memory, and make the pawn of my ex-wife suffer…” Ozpin mused idly as he sipped his hot drink.

“Humiliations’ galore,” Weiss noted.

Ozpin laughed broadly as he turned towards his pots and potions. “Well now, let’s not kiss a spotted beowulf, this is truly a noble cause. Give her the sixty-five. I’m on the job.”

“Ha!” Maria laughed as Weiss handed him the sixty-five lien.

After several minutes, he held a ball of what looked like malted milk as Maria dipped a ladle into a steaming cauldron. “Is that the Miracle Pill?” Weiss asked curiously, watching the dark viscous fluid slowly coating the orb.

“Chocolate coating makes it go down easier,” Maria noted, “You’ve got to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. Also, don’t let her go swimming after.”

“Better make it an hour,” Ozpin commented as he sniffed at one of the ingredients he had been working with.

Yang looked at the body, then at the old people for a moment. “Swimming is not a worry here.”

“Thank you for everything,” Weiss said with a curtsy, while Yang squatted and lifted Penny slowly, with a grunt.

“Bye girls!” Maria cheered as she and Ozpin watched them staggering away under the weight of Penny.

“Have fun storming the castle!” Ozpin called out.

After they were out of earshot, Maria leaned over and while still waving muttered, “Think they have a shot?”

“It would take a miracle,” Ozpin mused before they continued their farewells.

“Can we leave, yet?”

“I believe we need to be in the set of scenes in the credits, first.”

Cutting off Maria’s response, the scene shifted to show the walls surrounding the castle, with Weiss turning to Yang as the blonde lowered the redhead to the ground carefully, still leaving a crater when she chose to save her fingers.

“Alright. Give her the miracle pill,” Weiss commanded.

As Yang fished the pill out of the pouch it was stored in, she peeked over the wall, before slumping down with a wide-eyed expression. “That’s more than fifty…”

Looking over the edge after Weiss blinked before saying, “That won’t be a problem. We have her. Now, let’s give her the pill, like I said.”

“Has it been fifteen minutes? I swear I can’t keep track of time with all these jump cuts,” Yang asked leaning on the wall.

“We can’t wait any longer,” Weiss replied trying to not break the fourth wall further, “The wedding is in forty-five minutes. We need to get in while they’re distracted by the hustle and bustle of a typical royal wedding. Tilt her head back and open her mouth.”

Yang complied, thankfully with Penny helping her do it. Once they forced the ball down her gullet, Penny’s eyes shifted from glowing green to more normal colors.

“Salutation!” Penny said, moving normally for Penny, “I will beat you both apart! hic! I will take you both togeth…! hic!”

“That’s efficient, isn’t it?” Yang mused as she patted Penny on the head.

“I mean...” Penny mused before deliberately collapsing like a puppet with cut strings, “Why can I not move my body?”

Yang shrugged with a smirk. “You’ve been mostly dead weight all day,” she explained playfully.

Weiss smiled as she patted her on the shoulder. “We had Miracle Ozpin make a pill to bring you back.”

“Would you be so kind as to inform me of the following? Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I in this crater? Where is Ruby Rose?” Penny asked rapidly.

“Let me explain,” Weiss began, before pausing, “No, there’s too much for that. Allow me to summarize. Ruby is marrying Cinderdinck in less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, and make our escape. After I kill Countess Emerald.”

“That does not leave much room for lolly-gagging,” Penny commented as she tapped her finger against a loose pebble.

“Hey, you just wiggled your finger!” Yang cheered, “That’s great!”

Penny smiled at her sweetly as she answered, “I’ve always been a quick healer, you should have seen when I lost my head… but what do we have to work against?”

“There’s only one working castle gate,” Weiss noted, “And it’s guarded by… one hundred men and women.” After there was a bark, she sighed and added, “And one adorable corgi that is going to get tummy scritches.”

“And our assets?”

“My sword, your mind, her strength, that wheelbarrow,” Weiss replied.

“My breastets too,” Yang commented, getting a pained groan out of Weiss, and a confused blink out of Penny.

“Well, that is a bit impossible,” Penny mused as she shook her head. “If I had a month to plan, possibly, or all of my abilities. But this?”

“You just shook your head!” Yang offered cheerfully, “Isn’t that wonderful?”

“My brains, your strength and strange sense of painful humor based attack, her steel, against one hundred men, women, and a corgi… and you believe a little head rotation is supposed to make me elated?” Penny sighed as she lolled her head to the side. “If only we had a long black cloak soaked in fireproof liquid.”

“This, we can’t help with,” Weiss noted.

“Will this work?” Yang asked as she pulled out a cloak about two sizes too big for her.

“Where did you get that?” Weis asked, clearly confused.

Yang hiked a thumb over her shoulder the way that they had come from. “Maria said it looked good on me, and Ozpin was so nice that he let me keep it.”

“SENSATIONAL!” Penny chimed in as she looked around. “Now, help me up, and I’ll need a sword.”

“Why? You can’t lift one and you have several on your person at all times.”

“Can’t get them right now, because of plot contrivance and not because I need to rebo-”

Yang coughed into her hand pointedly.

“But that is not common knowledge. Now is it?” Penny offered cheerfully, “We’ll probably have more problems inside.”

“I’ll say,” Weiss agreed, “Namely, how do I find the Countess? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do we escape?”

“Leave her be Weiss, she’s had a long day already.”

“Right, sorry,” Weiss apologized.

As Yang slipped Penny onto her shoulder, a little easier with her helping support her weight, she grumbled. “Weiss?”

“Yes, Yang?” Weiss asked.

The blonde gave her a smile. “If we make it out of this alive, I’m punching my mom in the face.”

“This feels contrived,” Raven noted, “Why would she have had the exact cloak in the first place?”

“And how did that wheelbarrow take the weight that nearly broke the table?” Qrow agreed.

“And what about the fact that Penny only just suddenly was unable to move after getting the miracle pill?”

James groaned as he began regaining consciousness before being smacked once more with a book. “Listen, and listen well. Either you stop trying to ruin this production of this masterpiece, or I let James wake up and blame everything on you two. And we know who he likes more.”

“Can we all move on like professionals,” Glynda snapped flatly, “All three of you are adults. Act like it.”

“We don’t wanna,” the three chimed in at once.

Glynda glared pointedly, her riding crop pointed at them threateningly, glowing with her Semblance.

“After these messages, we’ll be riiiight back!” Tai called out as he was dragged away by the twins, in a move that seemed almost practiced.

“Get back here,” Glynda commanded in a cold, eerily calm voice, not that they listened, already on their way anywhere but there.

“So, the Schnee...” Ilia remarked conversationally, desperately keeping any pink from showing.

Blake looked at her with a raised eyebrow as she waited for the other Faunus to finish her sentence.

“What’s she like, exactly,” she continued, “Outside of this...”

Blake paused in thought for a moment before pointing at the screen. “I would say she is usually much better than this… but our team is a mess.”

“Can’t be that big of a mess, all things considered. I mean, she seems pretty… determined.”

“She has enough daddy issues to deal with, you don’t want to deal with that. She loathes the man,” Blake explained while scratching her chin. “And not in the way the White Fang hates him. This is personal.”

Ilia suddenly looked very intrigued, though not in the way she had previously been, “Think she’d like to hang out, at least?”

“After this? She’d be desperate to get away from us for a while… she likes this tea shop just down the road,” the cat Faunus explained lazily. “Order the Earl Grey, it’s pretty good. They have a nice little reading nook in the corner, perfect for two people to hide away for a few hours.”

Ilia raised an eyebrow questioningly at that advice, given that Blake seemed to have been trying to steer her away moments ago.

“Just promise me you won’t kill or kiss her until the second outing.”

“Pretty sure that’s a third time thing...” Ilia noted dryly, “And this is making me think that kissing is generally off the table with her.”

“We need to have a few talks with her about that sort of thing…” the princess did not look thrilled with that thought.

“What’s going on?” Emerald asked, having nothing else to do but talk to the two lurkers at the moment.

Blake looked towards her, and shrugged, “Explaining to Ilia that Weiss has never been kissed before, and that some of these lines are a bit too accurate to her.”

Emerald’s eyes went wide, as she glanced towards the Tiny Weiss doll she’d been carrying. Slowly turning the innocent face away, she asked, “She hasn’t?”


End file.
